Phriday Photo XXII

The holidays are a great time for the family pets. The under-exercside hairy one loves having the mini-somnambulists and all the other humans around, as well as rooting around in the wrapping paper and getting his nose into all the interesting new smells.

When unwrapping presents, remember not to leave anything dangerous lying around

To view previous Phriday Photos, click here!

Miracle Or Magic?

Today, in certain parts of the world, we are encouraged to marvel at the magic of Father Christmas and in the miracle of a virgin birth, although of course we are only supposed to really believe in one of them. I don't like this contradiction.

On the other hand, if you happen to have been born in certain other parts of the world, belief in either of these (admittedly far-fetched) beliefs apparently authorises believers of contradictory belief systems to usher you towards a brutal death. I care even less for such cowardly shirking of human responsibility. I digress...

Magic and miracles. I am enchanted by these concepts but struggle to believe in their truth without evidence (the real, tangible kind). What I do know, though, is that there are some very special people in the world, capable of some extraordinary things. One of those people, "T", is referred to by the mini-Somnambulists as "Magic T" - is this because of the things he can do or his personal charisma? You'd have to ask the mini-Somns, but below I present some evidence for the former. I've heard tell that he can also enchant you with music, and heal with the power of art alone... Seeing is believing.

I wish you all Merry Christmas today, whatever that may mean to you personally, and urge you to celebrate and treasure humanity whether you consider it miraculous, magical or just plain marvellous.

Believe it or not, this is real untampered footage of Magic T* actually walking on water...

*clue: No, it is NOT Tiger Woods. Or Trywalker.

Out Of Office Notice

The Somnambulists are up an alp, with limited access to electricity. I am therefore out of the office and will return in January.

Oh, wait... No I won't.

The Black Maggot

On our spot monkey night out last week we were honing fvj's spoof-playing skills (believe me, they need honing) and then introduced him to par-100, which he was actually quite good at.

These games of course need forfeits for the losers of each round, and as a particularly stiff deterrent for losing on purpose we often play for shots of the local stomach-cleanser, Killepitsch. Noticing that the generous shot glasses were a little under-filled, and since it's the last time I'll be playing such ridiculous drinking games for a very long time, I ordered something else from the top shelf to add a little twist to proceedings.

I feel fairly confident that the resulting "shocktail", being a shot of Killepitsch plus a dash of Creme de Menthe plus a splash of Strongbow cider, is unique. Or at the very least, not widely partaken of. Therefore, being Christmas and all, I have decided to christen this little beauty "The Black Maggot." This is a nod to the dark hue, the revulsion felt when considering putting one near one's mouth, and the unsettling, wriggly sensation that something is trying to crawl out of one's bowels for 24 hours after consumption. I would advise approaching with caution...

Advent Dennis

Today's post is a brief update on Project Dennis for those who are interested. If reading about systems analysis wants to make you put pins in your eyes, I suggest you surf on to one of the very amusing blogs listed on the left...


At the beginning of this month we contracted Simplicity IT (read why, here) to build the Project Dennis public alpha site. What's a "public alpha site" you may ask (as I did)?


This will be a phase of the application that, while open to use by internet users at large, will not be marketed, will have restricted functionality and content, and will be branded differently from the beta/full site. It will contain, and allow us to test, the fundamental, innovative components that will drive the site. In particular we will be looking to refine the three areas where we feel that we are at the edge of, and perhaps pushing, the envelope: Social-networking, opinion collation & evaluation, and collaborative data structuring.


(note: no actual envelopes will be harmed during the making of this site).


During the recent workshops that we have undertaken with Simplicity we have sharpened up some of the less-well defined aspects of the project concept. These were areas that we had deliberately intended to work through with our selected developers, to draw on their expertise, and it has been exciting to bring these into focus.


We now have very exhaustive descriptions for system actors and use-cases, and Simplicity are working on the technical documentation for subsystems, entity-relationships and functional specifications. We are all looking forward to the next stage of rapid-prototyping in January, when we actually get to start mucking about with pages and buttons and stuff....


If you got through this post without dozing off, you might be interested to know that we will be looking for a number of volunteer testers in the new year to help us with user feedback during the alpha phase. If that sounds like something you would like to be involved with, drop us a line on the ATIA contacts page and we will keep you up to date with developments. The password is Ni!

The Great Escape

Doo doo. Doo doooo d-doo doo...

Farewell sausage-gobblers

Phriday Photo XXI

Last night was the Medium-Sized International Bank's colleagues holiday celebration drinks (in lieu of the politically incorrect Christmas party that was cancelled).

It was also my last chance for a farewell tipple with all my chums who I know wanted to let me know how much they have so enjoyed working with me over all these years......

If you don't get any response by midday, please send out a Somnambulistic search party

To view previous Phriday Photos, click here!

Passing The Baton

After more than 17 years in the banking industry it's time to take a break.

As someone said to me last week, in this game we count them in dog years, which makes around 122, and means I have actually been doing this for nearly 1,500 (doggy) months. And boy does it feel like it.

As the last few hours drift by there's a pleasant end-of-term feeling while I tie up loose ends. My inbox has been literally inundated with an email from a well-wisher - someone who I actually got along with in the workplace. Like a satisfied Fawlty Towers customer, I'm thinking of having them stuffed. I assume the general joviality amongst everyone else is down to the approaching holidays and the tremendous year it's been in the world of finance, rather than anything to do with my departure.

It's a real privilege handing over the reins to the eminently capable UberDevisenHandler Boy. Good luck as Global Monkey-Herder, old chap. Try to ignore the babbling, bickering baboons and draw strength from the solid stalwarts.

I'll know when you've done your time when you start a personal weblog and alliterate to alleviate the alienation and afflictions.

Number Puzzle II

I've had a couple of requests for another number puzzle, so here we go.

Answer to dan (at) atigerinafrica (dot) com, brainboxes will appear below in order of correct received responses...

What's the next number in the series?

13, 35, 57, 79, 911, ...

List of Brainboxes
-------------------
lazy - well done! (are you nocturnal?!)
70s - nice to see you on the leader board ;-)
UDH Boy - I suspect he got some help at kindergarten
trywalker - with the most complicated explanation to a simple puzzle I have ever seen... :-D
orangepeel & headteach - in a dead heat. Or so they say...
bambambam - the next one will be harder. I promise!
papersurfer - I knew what you meant... you must be distracted by something ;-)
Jay - better late than never :-))

To see previous number puzzles, click here!

Big Issues?

The Somnambulists are homeless.

Before anyone calls the RSPCA that doesn't include the mini-somnambulists, who are oop Naarth, or the under-exercised hairy one, who is staying with his best mate...

All worldly possessions are on a brace of big lorries at their first stop-over in Naughty Oberhausen, preparing to break for the border under the cover of darkness, en route to Blighty. Sparkly Aph is already camouflaged underneath a snowdrift on neutral territory, while I am in hiding in the safest place this side of the Maginot Line: Trywalker's bedroom.

The plan is to split up, leaving multiple trails, and then rendezvous just South of Lac Leman on Friday, moving quickly to another secret hideaway in Chamonix. I'll be sending delirious messages to everyone I know, the moment I have crossed enemy lines. We'll lie low (or high) there for a couple of weeks, while the minis and various other 'nambulists come and go with supplies. We may try to throw any surveillance off the scent through an elaborate ploy of repeatedly jumping on random ski-lifts.

Once safely into 2009, we'll zig-zag our way back to the escape tunnel, pausing only to thank our friends in La Resistance by spending our remaining Euros on as much of their wine as we can stuff into the Somnambulist Mothership. Then, Dionysus-willing, we'll pop our heads up on the other side, not far from the farmhouse that is to be the new Somnambulist-residence-come-ATIA-HQ...

Big Issue? Pas de problem, mes amis!

Phriday Photo XX

In any walk of life, boasting about your achievements before you have actually completed the task at hand is a recipe for disaster. When you are a high profile politician the risks are amplified many times over. George Bush declaring "Mission Accomplished" in Iraq a few years back springs to mind. I'm not sure his credibility, such as it was, really ever recovered from that moment on...

Mr Gordon Brown gave us all a laugh when he gaffed in the House of Commons this week by opening with "We have not only saved the world..." When he managed to get a word in between the delirious cackling, he explained that what he had meant to say was that "We have saved the banking world..."

Well, I am not sure whether or not the jury has returned on that one SuperG, but history will take a long, hard look at the obvious question: "At what cost?"

The smugger the pride, the harder the fall...

To view previous Phriday Photos, click here!

In And Out With The Boxes

While I'm tempted to hang around and watch the inevitable boxing match that is brewing between UDH Boy and the chap who spends all day watching the box, the time has come to depart the land of the boxheads. The movers are coming in this week to pack everything into boxes while we make sure we've got all our boxes ticked.

I'm very much looking forward to returning to Blighty, spending some time with old friends (especially my good buddy from yesterday's post, who's nowhere near as scary as I made him out to be), and doing a little thinking outside the box.

Speaking of boxes, I wonder if anyone else knows quite how good THIS feels...

Somnambulist's Inbox

Spot Monkey Mentality

A while back I spoke to a spot monkey at a large American. (I toyed with the idea of replacing the word "at" with a comma in the last sentence but decided against it). As we chatted about Yen and Yang I mentioned that I was working on a startup, and suggested that if he could take his eyes off Bloomberg for more than two seconds he could take a look at the ATIA website.

He muttered something dismissive like "yeah, maybe later. Gotta go seeya." but I know that he took a look because the next time I spoke to him he said,

"Hey, have you heard?"

"I don't know, heard what?" I replied, expecting to hear a sliver of important currency information, or some juicy market gossip...

"The internet. It's going to change our lives."

Dressed up as humour, this is typical spot monkey incisiveness, gunning for your core assumptions, probing for weakness. It's usually best completely ignored if you don't have an instant witty riposte prepared earlier. I ignored him.

A few days ago, I called again to invite my friend for a beer.

"So you're going ahead with this internet thing then?"

"Sure, I'm very excited. Hey, I may be looking for a few investors down the road. Any interest?"

"What? Are you kidding? Isn't that like 3 or 4 bubbles ago? Look, forget that, why don't you go back to painting instead. Do a picture of Greenspan, he's hot as hell at the moment. In fact, you could go for the 'bubble' theme and paint him with his pants down and a huuuuge zit on his butt that's ready to pop. Five years time you'll be at the top of the art game."

"Well, in five years I ..."

"Can't make the beer, sorry, gotta go, bye."

My American friend is a gifted spot monkey at the top of his game, and he epitomises the character and mentality of the breed. It's all about a furious obsession with the moment, coupled with an unshakeable conviction of opinion, wrapped up in the hide of a rhinocerous. The fact that said opinion can shift 180 degrees in a few minutes is absolutely irrelevant.

To most of us the Dollar, the Yen, the Pound, gold, oil, stocks, bonds and everything else are in a perpetual state of uncertain flux. They may go up or they may go down, or they may trade sideways, and we do our best to hedge our bets. To my friend, however, there is no uncertainty. The Dollar is either going up or down at any one time, and it's going to do so at an incredible rate of knots and not stop until it's worth infinity or zero, and any delay in decision-making will cost you millions at least and probably your job if you really are that useless that you cannot see the urgency of the situation, loser.

If I ever pause to wonder why I stopped being a spot monkey, I will return to this post and remind myself...

Pro Spot Monkey: Attitude included.

"Don't have an opinion? No problem, have one of mine..."

Gourd Blimey!

It's quite extraordinary what some people will do to impress their friends at dinner parties. Last night our fine hosts opened some quite spectacular wines (and made us blind taste them to prove how useless we all are at identifying them) to go with our delicious Desperate Dan sized plates of rare beef. One in particular, a 1982 St. Julien, is probably too posh to even consider gracing the pages of my fledgling wine blog.

Headteach regaled us with hilarious accounts of terrorizing bizarrely named French school children.

Orangepeel had us entranced with his poet laureatian ability to rhyme the word Chianti.

One guest brought a gourd...

An enigmatic curiousity* picked up at Borough Market

*I am, of course, referring to the peculiarly shaped specimen of the Cucurbitaceae family. The enigmatic curiousity holiding it came from Yorkshire.

Phriday Photo XIX

All is doom and gloom out there and there are a lot of people who have that sinking feeling at the moment. Remember, the old saying goes: "When the ship's going down, follow the rats."

When the rats are going down, follow the one carrying the surfboard.

To vew previous Phriday Photos, click here!

Dennissimo!

After our first workshop on Monday I was asked a question: "Is it ready yet?"

Now to be fair, the person asking the question has very little idea about Dennis, or systems analysis, or web development. Or the Internet. Or, in fact, the 21st Century. But the interest was genuine and the sentiment wholly benign, so I tried to explain with an analogy:

It's a bit like writing a book, I said. For the last nine and a bit years we have had an idea for a book and have spent a lot of time thinking about it. In the last nine months we have spent a lot of time planning the book, and today we eventually started writing. It'll take a few months to finish it and get it published.

The analogy proved effective for the circumstances, but later I thought about it and while it might illustrate the process, it really doesn't encapsulate the moment. It's much more like having stood in the queue of the biggest ever rollercoaster for nine-odd years. On Monday, with some trepidation, nerves tingling, senses buzzing, we finally, at last, took our places in the front car, lowered the safety bar and edged forward onto the first ratchet of the long climb up the steep, opening gradient....

(updates may be a little sporadic in the next few weeks as I am goin for my record score on multiball)

Dennis In The Starting Blocks

Tomorrow Dennis starts his journey in earnest with our first full development workshop with the tremendous chaps & chapesses from Simplicity IT. In four month's time we should have a public alpha site that everyone can test to destruction....

For the record and future reference I'd like to note the reasons why we selected Simplicity (apologies if this is a bit dry in comparison with my normal ramblings!)...

First impressions
Right off the bat the MD, John O'Dwyer's phone manner and dialogue was professional and articulate. Follow up emails were prompt and courteous. Questions were clearly expressed and pertinent. This was carried through into our on-site meeting at Simplicity's offices, which are in a quiet but convenient location in Highbury. The office vibe was relaxed but studious. We knew we could work with these people.

Grasp of concept
Either Project Dennis is rather complex or we are not very good at explaining it. In any event, not everyone "gets it" straight away. Some of the developers we spoke to were clearly just going through the motions. Not only did Simplicity take it all on board, their proposal contained descriptions of our objectives that were far better than our own, and there has been a demonstrable enthusiasm to be part of what they see innovative project. John has been the only person to admit to being able to point to the "light-bulb" moment during our discussions.

Reference work
Simplicity have done a bunch of cool websites (or webware apps as they call them), a number of which contain very relevant modules for our own project. This was not immediately obvious from the reference sites listed on their own site, but during demonstrations at their office we were very impressed at the scope and quality of their portfolio.

Overall professionalism
Touched on above already, but the quality of their proposal, which was put together in less than a week and delivered ahead of schedule was excellent. Clear, concise, with an obvious methodology. Following the proposal all questions have been answered by return on what has seemed like a 24-7 basis. Changes to specifications have been accomodated and plans adjusted quickly and without fuss. Simplicity were our clear favourites in advance of receiving the commercials. We feared that they would be easily the most expensive.

Project quote
We were pleasantly surprised to find that their quote for the first phase of the project was broadly in line with others. In fact there was little difference between theirs and the cheapest quote we received (and 1/6th of the most expensive!). A done deal...

On The Road

We're on the road to....

Updates may be intermittent...

Stop Press: Mini-somnambulist I has broken his wrist playing football and has been instructed that he cannot go skiing. I have no idea what he is going to do with himself for two weeks in the French Alps over xmas and NY. Still, the under-exercised hairy one will probably be glad of the company while everyone else is falling down a hill.

A couple of week's ago we took the mini-somnambulists to see Motorhead. So by a tenuously circuitous route we end up at...

Pop Quiz: For which famous act was Lemmy, lead growler of Motorhead, a roadie before he went front stage?

Phriday Photo XVIII

I live in the disappointed generation. When we were kids there was no doubt that by the close of the 20th Century robots would be in the home, we would whizz around in flying cars, and Space 1999 was at least equal parts documentary and science fiction. All we got was the Internet.

At least the chaps at Moller International are keeping the Thunderbirds dream alive...

To view previous Phriday Photos click here!

Down-Trend

According to a recent survey (so reports the Telegraph), the 'mullet' is the worst craze of all time.

I'm just off to the barber's...

Many people are blaming the banks for the sub-prime crisis. There would be no crisis without sub-prime.

Another Day At A Medium-Sized International Bank V

As the curtain on my banking career looms large I feel a certain drive to record some of the little details that make the financial industry unique. In an earlier post I mentioned that the daily spaghetti of crossed-wires communication had a lot to answer for. Here’s another little nugget….

Dear Mr Tchübacher,

I hope you may be able to assist. One of my team has asked for clarification on personal account trading rules in relation to certain products.

I have scanned the compliance manual and haven't come across any specific guidelines on this subject, so I would like to seek your clarification on what regulations or rules apply for a member of staff to use margin trading accounts?

Many thanks in advance,
UDH Boy

….Two days later…..

Hi Mr Tchübacher,

I have not had a reply to my previous mail. My team member is still asking me about the rules governing this kind of activity. Could you please pass on to whoever can answer so that I can inform my staff accordingly?

Many thanks,
UDH Boy

….One day later….

hey UDH Boy,
i give this to advisory to clear the new structure of our team. For the moment i think that our new structure with the same workaround still have the same rules as before. I escalate it today and hope that it will be clear in the near future. ;-)

Herr E. Tchübacher
Compliance Officer

Hello Herr Tchübacher,

I’m sorry, I didn’t quite follow your mail. Please can you clarify the rules on margin trading accounts or direct me to the appropriate person?

Thanks,
UDH Boy

…..One day later…..

Hey UDH Boy,
sorry for delay but we have still problems. It´s what i say yesterday, before it will be finaly clear the new structure with our Boss and Compliance, the best way is to leave it as before. The appointment will be in the near future (i hope next week). Offiziell rules are not exist of this point. But it´s in inoffiziell rule to say before we know the new rules we must leave the oldest rules. Better is better. I hope it help for the moment.

Herr E. Tchübacher
Compliance Officer

(This issue is unlikely to be resolved in 2008...)

Happy Birthday to Lisnambulist ;-) x

Collecting Lawyers

You wait forever for a bus, and then two come along at the same time.

On Sunday I had no lawyers. This morning I have two: MCE Avocats who are going to help me deal with the Swiss architect-locusts (if you ever come into contact with these people, I suggest you run a mile. Their service is worse than their website); and Speechly Bircham who are reviewing our developer's contract for Project Dennis.

First impressions on both counts are very good - they seem polite and professional. However, they haven't asked for any money yet...

On the good side, oh-my-Darling has cut VAT by 2.5% from next week, reducing our beta-site development costs by enough to afford at least half an hour of lawyer-time.

New Weblogo

One of the great things about this creative space we call t'Internet is all the new words that get made up to describe things that never existed before. I fancy myself as a bit of a neologician(TM) and so I am describing the new bit of artwork on the left <---- as my "weblogo"(TM).

The original design was as a possible idea for A Tiger In Africa(TM) identity but we decided it was a bit flat and old hat. However, I handed it over to that intergenuis(TM) Penfold at GTZero(TM), in the hope that he could make it more 3D-ey, button-y and badge-y, and by Jove, that's exactly what he has done. A+ old chap!

Weblogo(TM) by Penfold(TM)

Birthday Portrait

Apparently it's customary for future monarchs to sit for a portrait on their 60th birthday. I can't deny that I was somewhat taken aback when I chanced across this photograph, and learnt that Daddy Papersurfer has a royal bloodline.

HRH Prince Surfeur de Papier (Snr)

Phriday Photo XVII

The spot monkeys were discussing the other day how much EUR/USD a certain fund had bought in a certain space of time to move the market a certain amount, and the consensus of opinion was "truckloads." A wonderfully malleable term, I think.

When oil neared $150 earlier this year, the local car-pooling policy proved remarkably popular...

To view previous Phriday Photos click here!

Somnambulist Mothership For Sale

We got the revised quote for the enhanced-specification Project Dennis beta-site yesterday. Thud. So...

An almost unique opportunity to own a mildly mini-somnambulist-tainted, environmentally unfriendly Autobahn-hogger. Dog hairs included. Many extras still work.

One careful (ahem) owner. Any reasonable offer considered. May accept safe passage across the nearest border as part exchange...

Birth Canal Conundrum

There's a lot of debate on the internet, of varying degrees of quality, but very little gets as vociferous as the religion vs. science battle. I find it quite difficult to get involved with this because although I largely come from the scientific corner, I actually think that each field has precious little of value to say about the other. Most of the arguments that you read, most especially on the comments sections of any relevant articles in major publications, are just a series of conflicting straw men with no hope of ever agreeing on a frame of reference, let alone striking some sensible dialogue.

There is one thing I think most sane people can agree on, however. Each of us has a world view (for want of a better phrase), and our world contains evidence as to the true nature of things. When we encounter a conflict between our world view and evidence, then it stands to reason that one of the two must be wrong in some way.

This got me thinking, as I chanced upon an article detailing recent fossil evidence that suggests large birth canals in early hominids (allowing delivery of large-brained early hominid sprogs) evolved hundreds of thousands of years earlier than previously thought. I wondered to myself, and cannot stop wondering, what young-earth-creationists think when they encounter such evidence. Do they just ignore it? Do they assume it is patently wrong? Or some kind of scientific conspiracy to undermine their beliefs? Or do they simply not read such surreptitous publications (the BBC News website)? To someone who genuinely believes that the earth is only a few thousand years old, debating whether early humans appeared 200,000 or 2,000,000 years ago is utterly irrelevant and a total waste of time. But surely there must be some spark of interest, some nagging question as to why other people believe that fossilization of bones takes much longer than the supposed life-span of the earth. The cognitive dissonance must be excrutiating. Or perhaps not....

A diagram detailing the evolution of red underpants (3.2 million years ago to the present day)

Another Day At A Medium-Sized International Bank IV

After more than six months of waiting we have a new organisational structure. We know this because a variety of support areas have started using different numbers and headings on their communications, and occasionally asking questions such as:

"Why are your products split into apparently counter-intuitive business areas in the new organisational structure?"

To use an analogy, it appears that on the funny farm, crop rotation strategy is now the remit of the head sheep-shearer, while planting and harvesting falls under the dairy shed.

Since nobody has bothered to inform the revenue-generating areas of the new reporting lines we can at least try and deflect such questions with a simple:

"What new organisational structure?"

although this does occasionally prompt an ensuing lecture as to the specific expertise requirements for arable and livestock farming and how stupid we are to mix such things up.

Another day of taking sh+t for a living...

Motorheadache

SSHHHhhhhh...

We did something highly decadent yesterday and flew to Manchester for only one purpose: to take the mini-somnambulists to see Motorhead (and Saxon and Danko Jones). Fab, if a bit different from the old days.

The first time I saw Lemmy and co was 25-odd years ago - with the classic Fast Eddie and Philthy Phil line up (supported by Anvil, I think). I seem to remember begging for enough cash to buy a ticket and walking about 50 miles, with my friend Jim, to Hammersmith Odeon. We walked through Leicester Square where we met several shady characters, bought bootleg cassettes and refused various drugs. Well various packets of things purported to be drugs, anyway. Two days later, I sat my 'O' level English exam, and remember straining to look up at the gym clock because I had headbanger's neck....

Review and photo to follow... !

Phriday Photo XVI

On page 19 of Birmingham International Airport's Report & Accounts (2007-2008) was a little surprise. To illustrate the in-depth security procedures was a collage, including a picture of an x-ray of a luggage item...

Let's hope that BIA insists on a greater attention to detail during their security checks than they do in their graphic design.

Click here to see previous Phriday Photos!

BamBam The Buddha Boy

It's not surprising, with the virtually hysterical worldwide fervour released after last week's earth-shattering US election result, to see one or two other opportunists jump on the messianic bandwagon. Lo and behold Bambam the Buddha boy has popped up in Nepal again, artfully not denying claims that he is Siddhartha Gautama reincarnate. What is surprising, is that I was convinced that BamBam was trading Spot FX at a MSIB in Sydney - if he really can be in two places at once perhaps there is something to this after all...

A group of currency analysts hold a communal seance in order to divine where EUR/GBP will open this morning...

Alternative Career

As one career is coming to its end, I started to think what other things I might do, in case the plans to become an internet magnate don't unfold as quickly as I expect. The advert below on exec-appointments.com caught my eye. I have no special forces experience but I can drive an Aston-Martin, and I quite like the idea of being a "Targeting Officer." In fact I can think of one or two potential targets already...

(It does say I should not discuss my application with anyone, so I'd appreciate it if you kept this all to yourself)

This advertisement will self-destruct in 10 seconds...

New Book

We like new books around here :-) That gentleman and scholar Trywalker very kindly brought me a gift back from his recent trip to London: "The Price Of Everything" by Russell Roberts, replete with a touching inscritption from our young star.

I am thoroughly looking forward to reading it so that it will "change my life - reading it will give me a sense of wonder about the everyday marvels that are all around me." Check back soon for the verdict...

A parable of possibility and prosperity (and, apparently, alliteration)

Monday Is Funday

Another day, another dollar, or so the saying goes. If only it was just the dollars we had to worry about. It's the pounds, and the euros, and the yen, and the francs, and the florints, and the liras... ah, well, at least Trywalker is back at his desk.

Apparently, an infinite number of spot monkeys with an infinite number of Bloomberg terminals can tell you where EUR/USD will go (with the following conditions...)

Multiball!

I’ve always been a great fan of pinball and most modern games have a feature called ‘Multiball’. If you hit the right sequence of bumpers, ramps, loops and slots it initiates a period of play where you have 3 or more balls whizzing around in Brownian-motion fashion, requiring a good degree of focus and flipper coordination to keep them in play, while a cacophony of sound and flashing lights tries to distract you. Brilliant.

A few days back I mentioned that a number of balls were about to start rolling…and so they are.

Ball 1: Project Dennis
By the end of today we will have determined which developer we will be contracting to turn an idea into reality, and the project will press ahead in earnest. We hope to have a working Beta-site before the end of the first quarter next year.

Ball 2: MSIB Exit Strategy
Some details to resolve still but terms are agreeable. We are in the final weeks. UDH Boy, Trywalker, TB and the rest will soon be free of my totalitarian tendencies.

Ball 3: Secret Alpine Hideaway
This one is threatening to get stuck in the Swiss Architect-locust feature. Having admitted a couple of days ago that the ATIA mountain retreat will not be ready on schedule, they have exposed themselves to the ‘failure to complete’ clause of the contract. This allows for the buyer to withdraw from the purchase and claim 10% of the property value as a penalty. I would imagine in the current climate, losing a nailed-on buyer and having to shell out a large wad of cash is disconcerting. The SA-Ls have for the very first time in two and a half years started being reasonable and courteous. I think there is some room for negotiation here…

Ball 4: The Greatest Escape
After almost six years sausage-side I can’t deny that I am looking forward to saying auf wiedersehen. Allied POWs captured at the beginning of WWII got out after about six years and I know how they must have felt. However, having spent a long time digging the tunnel towards the Swiss border, it might be time to look in the opposite direction if Ball 3 is lost. Our removal company just thinks we are indecisive.

Ball 5: Winter Holidays
Plans for friends and parts of the Somnambulistic clan to stay over the end of the year holidays, not to mention the prospect of spending a fair chunk of the ski season skiing, have collided head on with Balls 3 & 4. My biggest worry is disappointing the mini-Somnambulists…

When I started this blog it was with the intention of recording my path out of the comfort zone. No sign of the Holy Whale, but I guess this is the sort of fumbling and bumbling I was referring to. It’s a lot of fun!

Demanding Dennis II

Reviewing proposals for the Alpha-site development on Project Dennis.

First impression are: I feel like the punter at the blackjack table, looking at the dealer, knowing that whatever happens they are going to end up richer than me. I now remember WHY I trained as a systems analyst, and cannot for the life of me remember why I didn't follow that career path.

Ho hum, where's the cheque book...?

Phriday Photo XV

Daddy Papersurfer's friends organised a bit of a bash for his birthday. It all started in a cupboard, apparently. Now I'm not suggesting for a moment that things got out of hand (at his age that could even be dangerous), but I did get a sneak preview of some photos of the aftermath...

OK, own up. Who opened the Unicum?

Birthday Ditty

While surfing I found a git, funny and old

He made blogging seem easy and soon I was sold

I'd have long stopped my writing

If it wasn't so exciting

Trading nonsense with that old git, whose heart's made of gold.

Tig Tag Toe

I got tagged by Jay at The Depp Effect. Being a newcomer to the blogosphere, this is the first time I have come across this diarised version of chainmail (clearly initiated by someone with blogger's block), and while I am not sure whether my tagees will thank me for passing the hot potato, I'll give it a shot.

Now then, what can one say about oneself when one is incognito...?

Seven random or weird Somnambulistic facts:

1) When very young I had a recurring nightmare involving dinosaurs, earthquakes and fireballs.

2) If I had a daugther, I'd want to call her Halo.

3) When skiing, I find it harder to turn right than turn left.

4) I can draw and paint a bit, and have even made some money at it, but I have always been secretly envious of Penfold's natural talent.

5) I worry that sometimes my closest friend thinks that I do not regard him as my equal.

6) I have learnt that P&L and golf balls do not lie.

7) I have a secret that only one other person knew. They took it to their grave, I will take it to mine.

The magnificent seven: Tagees who I'd like to know something more about...

Trywalker - who'd write something wise beyond his years
Muttley - who'd write something mad
Patsou - who'd write something piercingly insightful
His Lordship - who'd write something musical
Tango - who'd write something inspiring
Lynne - who'd just write for our pleasure of reading
Teddy - who'd... I can't think of anything even remotely sensible

Here are the rules:
1. Link to your tagger and list these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog - some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blog.
4. Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Demanding Dennis

Project Dennis has a lot of requirements. At present, there are 12 categories, 50 sub-categories and 123 specific deliverable requirements, most of which are being carefully considered by 3 of the 4 short-listed developers we screened over the last few days. We await their quotes/proposals for our prototype Alpha-site with great anticipation.

Developer #4 was labouring under the misapprehension that we would be flying our assigned project manager back and forth between London and New Dehli for face-to-face project meetings. Pensez encore un fois, mon ami. This, combined with the fact that the "business development manager" didn't take a single written note during our 2 hour+ meeting resulted in a courteous email indicating that we wouldn't be pursuing things further.

Interestingly, they were also the only one to request that we sign their own NDA as well as ours. Weird, since we heard nothing worth disclosing even if we wanted to.

Proposals due cob Friday. Watch this space...

Bratwurstdorf Olympiad, 2008

Over half-term we had a spot of bad weather one day, and so we decided to stay in and play some games. Now I won't go as far as suggesting that there is an abnormally wide competitive streak in the Somnambulistic household, but suffice it to say this quickly morphed into an Olympic Game extravaganza.

It was a lot of fun and I only pipped mini-somnambulist I to the gold because, against all the odds, the form book, and to everyone's astonishment, I didn't come last on the Singstar Playstation game. Wonders never cease.

Anyway, we are busy cooking up the rules for the Winter Olympiad this xmas, dans les Alpes Vaudoises...

can't believe I played my Joker on Hotel and came last...

Phriday Photo XIV

While the mini-somnambulists were in town we had a very fruitful discussion on the subject of being careful about who you talk to on t'Internet. Hopefully they are now a little bit more aware about the fact that people you meet online may not always be who they claim to be, or what they seem...

Caution advised when replying to adverts on SuperFitRussianBabes.com...

...or InternetMillionaireBachelors.org

Negativity Fatigue

Markets took a big bounce yesterday across the board. I have no idea whether this signals the base and it's the beginning of the turnaround, or whether it'll be a brief respite before another wave of asset value destruction. The general consensus seems to be that people just got bored of selling everyday and decided to buy, which I heard delightfully described as "negativity fatigue."

What a great phrase. According to TB, our man in Sydney, it's like, OK, we get it. The world is going down the dunny. Whatever. Our stocks are worthless, depression is on the way, the end of the banking industry as we know it, mass unemployment, cats and dogs living together. So, shall I light the barbie? Chuck us one of those cold tinnies, doll, and we'll worry about the rest of it tomorrow....

Had enough of feeling like this every day? Maybe you have "negativity fatigue"

p.s. Happy Birthday to AW... awwww ;-)

World Bog Council

Apparently I have a acceptable bog. Anyway, it's nice to be recognised as a complete member, and more importantly to know that there are people out there who are more deranged than you...

Thank you WBC. I shall try to keep my bog up to the requisite standard.

p.s. happy birthday Sinambulist (for yesterday!)

Temporary Interruption To Service

I apologise for this T.I.... never mind. Blogging briefly sacrificed on the twin altars of mini-somnambulists and Project Dennis.

Normal service will be resumed...soon.

Half-Term

The mini-somnambulists are back! Back in August I predicted that the little sausages would probably return bigger, stronger and smellier. Man was I right.

What I didn't predict was how events would have (or even could have) unfolded in the world since then. Financial crisis, Lehmans failure, the end of the Investment banks, the PRAT package, Gordon Brown's return from the dead, Iceland, Hungary, general asset-price destruction... all in just a few short weeks.

As amazing as the speed and scope of all this is, not everybody's world has been turned upside down. The under-exercised-hairy-one, for instance, couldn't care a jot about all that, and is just over the moon to have his brothers back in town {:op

Crisis! What crisis?

Phriday Photo XIII

As financial markets freeze up and asset prices collapse around the world, many participants are feeling more than a little foolish for buying things they didn't really understand. As exciting as complex, structured derivatives sounded, what a lot of people are noticing is that they were a lot easier to get into than they are to get out of.

An equine tree-hugger learns first hand the value of a clearly defined exit-strategy when committing oneself in unfamiliar territory

p.s. in case your were worried, the gee-gee was set free with the aid of a chainsaw, physically unharmed. Doubts remain over his mental state, however. When the farmer was asked what he was doing in the tree in the first place, he replied simply "barking."

Feeling Hungary?

Hungary is in trouble. Or should I say its markets are in trouble. Money is flooding out of Hungary in a way that it simply couldn't out of Iceland. This is not really a big deal since the Hungarians have been there, and done that, in pretty much every respect, and will take such things fully in their stride. While the rest of the world shudders in the face of financial crises, Hungarians will tweak its nose and dare it to chase them into Transylvania.

However, it did get me thinking about things, other than money, that come out of Hungary. Apart from goulash and a repuation for fearsome freedom fighters, there are only two things I know that come from this fine central European state. One I can recommend heartily, and the other I warn you never to approach.

Dogs are man's best friend and the best dog of them all is a Hungarian Vizsla. These gorgeous, ancient and noble beasts are both highly intelligent, and the most loyal and affectionate of all canines. They are called 'velcro' dogs, because they become so attached to their humans, they will follow them lovingly and longingly from room to room, just to be close...

Hungary's other contribution to the world as I know it is Unicum. This is indisputably the most revolting drink known to mankind. How it came to be a marketable product is a story that is most likely lost in a Communist haze, although I have my suspicions that it was very likely a serious nationwide attempt at mass suicide following the Soviets' crushing of the 1956 revolution. It is a liquid ambush. When it touches your lips there is a very fleeting instant when you are tricked into believing it is imbued with some semblance of palatability. This is a ruse that is swept aside faster than a cold war student protest, and the rest of the experience is rather like one of those horrible vomit-in-the-mouth moments...yet in reverse. The net result is a great deal of retching, interspersed with debilitating stomach convulsions. I'd rather down a shot of mercury.

Somnambulist's advice is this: If someone offers you a Hungarian vizsla puppy, do everything within your mortal power to accept and accomodate this gift, to change your life and enjoy it to the very unexpected full.

If someone offers you Unicum, resist all adventurous impulses and do everything within your mortal power to put hundreds of kilometres between this vile substance and your sensitive internal organs. You have been notified...

Another Day At A Medium-Sized International Bank III

If you have ever wondered why the banking industry is in such a pickle, it’s because the kind of dialogue recorded below goes on day in, day out, everywhere. Much time is spent passing pseudo-information with no ultimate objective, value or resolution.

A typical exchange at a Medium-Sized International Bank between a trading desk and an unidentified administration department…

Opening email:

Dear UDH Boy,

A few minutes ago I spoke to someone else and they told me to ask you.
--> Do you know the reason that the product "foreign exchange/foreign currency/FX-Derivates" is depressed by OCB?
Is it the current Market situation, smaler Tickets or no dealing with MSIB.....?

Looking forward to your answer.
Thanks in advance

Kind regards

Mrs N.


Response:

Hi

I am not entirely sure I understand the question here... do you mean why has turnover declined between MSIB and this entity (it being the Ostrich Central Bank, I think?)? Why has the question come up?

As it stands, without more information, I am afraid I have no idea. I never knew that we ever dealt with them. I have certainly never seen them trade with my desk in the last two and a half years. I do not even know who would be the sales person or trader speaking with the Ostrich CB on FX products to be honest, as we do not have a dedicated Ornithological Counterparties sales desk or person.

Please let me know more about the query and I will try to assist more.

UDH


Ensuing phone call:

Mrs N.: “Hello, UDH Boy, can you tell me why we are doing less business with OCB?”

UDH: “Hello, as I said in my mail, I don’t think we have ever dealt with them in the 2 and a half years I have been here, and Schadenfreude Boy, who has been here a lot longer than the Euro, has never seen them either.”

Mrs N.: “Hmm. Why do you think we are doing less with them?”

UDH: “Less than zero? (pause for effect)… Errr not sure. Why do you need to know? What is the nature of the question, where does it come from and why?”

Mrs N.: “I am not sure. It is because we have to prepare for a first round vote.”

UDH: “Who does?”

Mrs N.: “Not sure.”

UDH: “Well, what for then? A credit limit change?”

Mrs N.: “I think so.”

UDH: “Increase or decrease? Who is seeking it?”

Mrs N.: “I don’t know.”

UDH: “Well I definitely don’t either. Let’s just say OCB is depressed – diagnosis, inconclusive.”

Mrs N.: “Thanks very much.”

UDH: “You’re welcome.”

Educating Trywalker II

Last week I decided it was time to inform young Trywalker, who knows much about economics and markets, about some of the more important aspects of life.

I have no idea where Lorzweiler is, or whether it is locally renowned for cheesy comestibles. Wherever it is, it's unlikely to be as smelly as its more prestigious twin-town.

This is where cheese comes from.

Calm Before The Storm

I had a very non-PC weekend. Sadly, there's nothing beguiling or insalubrious to report.. I just didn't get near the computer.

This was an entirely intentional moment of attention diversion, since balls are about to start rolling all over the place. As pieces begin slotting into place, it's like a pause in a game of Kerplunk! when you know that the next player to withdraw a straw is going to kick it all off...

In the meantime, back to the groundhog dayjob. Come on the proud Pound!

Which of these two guys hates their job more?

Phriday Photo XII

To Americans antiquity comes pretty much immediately after the expiration of a sell-by date, which makes me think that US tourists are most likely to be the target market for this particular small business...

You can't buy authenticity. Or maybe you can.

Happy birthday to both dadnambulist & SK :-)

Number Puzzle

The number series puzzle in this post a couple of weeks ago seemed to interest a few of you, so I thought I would post another one.

Trywalker, try to restrain yourself, and don't give the answer away on the comments page.

Answer to dan (at) atigerinafrica (dot) com, brainboxes will be listed in the hall of brain below...

What's the next number in the series?

7, 13, 23, 41, 75,...


List of Brainboxes
------------------
Trywalker - will turn it up a notch for you next time...
orangepeel - (or was it headteach ?! ;-)
sparklyaph - up early in the emerald isle :-)
TC - painting by numbers? :-D
UDentistH Boy - by mental subtraction, perhaps?
lazy - (after a good night's sleep)
TB - Took a few days off to move house...and figure out the answer :-)

Educating Trywalker

Our young friend knows a lot of stuff about a lot of things. However, I am going to help fill in some of the small gaps...

This is where white wine comes from

Ewer Fabulous

The artifact pictured below recently sold at auction. It fetched more than 3 million pounds, which attracted my attention. It's nice enough at first glance, if a bit fussy and over-worked for my liking. So why is it worth so much? I read on and the first important fact I noted was that it's around 1,000 years old, originally made for the Fatimid court of Cairo.

Hmm, I thought, well that's definitely a long time for glass to survive... but then I read something that I can't stop thinking about. It is not made of glass at all. The translucent bulb of the pitcher was 'carved from a single piece of flawless rock crystal, which was hollowed out, leaving a surface just 2mm thick.' The level of skill, care and patience to do such a thing, without buggering it up is just mind-boggling. This must have required an attention to detail that is adamantly lacking in today's banking industry.

And then to be preserved all this time in pefect condition... I have never really had an interest in tableware before but this is a masterpiece, and I love it.

a really expensive jug.

Back To The Grindstone

The weekend seemed to zip by like a scolded cat on rollerskates on speed, and it's back to the groundhog grindstone. Still, there should be plenty going, and I guess there are worse things one could be doing to earn a living wage...

My own personal occupational nightmare

Gallows Humour

There's nothing traders like more than a bit of topical humour when tensions are running high. Well, maybe winning trades and a hatful of golden logs perhaps. Jokes, like rumours, spread fast in the market, and these days with everyone on Instant Messenger or Bloomberg Chat, you don't even have to go to the trouble of picking up the phone and wasting time on greetings and small talk - just copy and paste to all your contacts. As a result you will invariably get the same joke from a number of different sources in quick succession. The competitive element comes in by trying to be a source rather than a sink for jokes, which further encourages rapid dissemination.

In order to be properly viral, the joke should be short, witty, topical and poke fun at the financial markets (or rather the people involved in them) at a time of highest stress, like last week. I don't know anyone who has been hanged, but I can imagine how the term 'gallows humour' originated...

My favourite joke from last week was a very brief, simple, fake headline, that at first glance looked just like any other of the thousand newswire entries that we had been nail-bitingly glued to for more than ten hours a day.

REUTERS 10-10-08 09:25:26 - *CENTRAL BANK OF JAMAICA SAYS EVERYONE SHOULD JUST CHILL OUT

Kudos, and thanks for the smile, whoever came up with that one :-)

Phriday Photo XI

Today's photo inspired by those people I have spoken to this week, for whom honesty and humility are not troubling considerations. May our paths diverge exponentially...

An interesting close-up of a pile of sh+t

Previous Phriday Photos

p.s. happy birthday somnambulist

Unidentified Trading Wound

Gathering my thoughts about the state of the world this evening I noticed an injury on the outer knuckles of my right hand. Nothing serious, just a scraping and contusion that could have happened anywhere. Except I haven't been anywhere except the office...



The only conclusion I can come to is that since I am currently sitting to the left of Trywalker, and since he is the only person left in striking distance this week, I must have inadvertently lashed out at him once or twice, during a bout of Clear Market Turbulence. Sorry, mate.

Despite the knuckle injury, I still managed to calculate a 1-month forecast for EUR/ISK...

Thin Iceland

Not so long ago Iceland was, ironically, hot property, the home of hot money. Tempted by the country's high interest rates, investors fell over each other to buy Icelandic assets. The problem is that it's a small place, home to a few decendents of some Vikings who gave up half way to Greenland, with very little to actually put your money into. This means that the investment funds were in total disproportion to the real size of the underlying market. In the recent rush away from rISKy assets, the unwary have learnt what it means when everyone rushes for the exit in a small market. The door is just too narrow and something has to give.

One of the dislocations has been the currency. The Icelandic Krona (ISK) yesterday moved in an almost mindboggling manner. Trading at one point at 350.00 to the Euro, it dropped to 140.00 as the Central Bank decided that the proper rate is 131.00 and declared that is where it shall be. Not so, said the market, which almost instantly started paying up to 200.00. Trywalker only had a half-a-million Euro position, but with prices moving at 10% a quote it caught his attention, I can tell you.

Troubling times for a country that used to be called Beejam...


Update 08/10/08 15.00 CET: The Icelandic Central Bank has just given up on its idea of pegging the Krona at 131.00 to the Euro. This is because the rest of the world thinks it's 280.00-300.00 and denial is never a good status for policy-makers.

Clear Market Turbulence

Clear Air Turbulence, or CAT, is what pilots like to refer to as a 'bit of chop.' You can't see it coming and you don't know how long it will last, so you keep your seatbelt fastened and hope for the best. The financial markets are experiencing a 'bit of chop' at the moment, and for those of us that are airborne and at the controls (as opposed to lolloping around swimming pools) it's a kind of bumpy ride. I was saving this one for Phriday's Photo, but that seems a long way away so it gets an early posting...

Roughly translated, this sign says: "Spot Monkeys - please try to assume a relaxed position when panicking. Thank you."

D-Day Monday

Today has all the hallmarks of potential carnage, on a number of different fronts. I'm afraid I can't elaborate, except to say this was a perfect week for UDH Boy, VB (and even FVJ) to be off...not.

If Trywalker calls in sick it could be all over. Must dash...

Winter's Coming

There's any icing storm brewing. US Congress approved the PRAT package on Friday, but once the ramifications of this are digested it'll start to dawn on people that this is just clearing the snow off the path of the US financial system for today, at the expense of everyone else in the village.

There'll be a lot more snow and a lot more paths to be cleared before Spring.

Winter's coming. My advice is pack some warm clothes, head for the hills, and go skiing!

Rambling on an Alp last weekend

Same spot this morning (slightly different angle. No dog.)

Another Day At A Medium-Sized International Bank II

Being called off the golf course half way round, when your partner is quite literally having the round of her life, to gather the troops (all of whom were doing equally enjoyable things) and hot-tail it into the office late in the day on a bank holiday in order to conduct a critically important transaction on a New York Friday afternoon, only to find out that nobody of sufficient seniority (board level) can be contacted in order to grant approval to proceed, thereby wasting 4 hours of everybody's life... is just one thing that I won't miss about banking.

Incidentally, the orga-charts that were due out 5 weeks ago have still failed to materialise, meaning that reporting and communication lines remain arbitrary at best.

UDH Boy informed us that last week he had unexpectedly come across an orca-chart, but since we have no immediate use for a killer whale this wasn't especially helpful.

Phriday Photo X

Today, it seems, the future of the financial system is in the hands of the lawmakers. If Congress approve the TARP package, irresponsible banks will be allowed to clean up their houses by dumping large swathes of asset-backed-securities on the US Government's doorstep.

Speaking of huge, steaming piles of toxic crap, while rambling over a mountain last weekend we came across this...

The not-so-under-exercised hairy one uncovers possible evidence of living Apatosaurs on an Alp that time forgot

Previous Phriday Photos

Under Construction

Project Dennis does not yet have a single finished peice of code, so it might be fair to say that we could be getting a little ahead of ourselves with the business plan development. However, we think it's very important to establish the DNA of the organisation at an early stage.

Therefore, in true new-age West Coast iconoclastic style we are devoting a large portion of our resources to establishing a top secret mountain brainstorming retreat, where future employees (and founders) can lollop around on beanbags in a non-stressful environment conducive to lateral thinking. Everyone will be encouraged to entrepreneuralize, ramble and ski, although not necessarily at the same time.

Our accountant tells us we probably won't run out of money for weeks.

A Tiger In Africa offices (Swiss branch) emerging from a hole in the ground

Packages

There's a special feeling you get when waiting for a package. Whether it's a new book from Amazon, the plastic cutlery you bought on Ebay after returning from the pub a bit worse for wear, or, in my case an 8-foot golf swing trainer that I treated myself to last birthday and which now occupies the majority of the study. You get a little excited, a little nervous - the anticipation is palpable.

The financial world is waiting for its own kind of special package, of the rescue variety, from the US government. And boy are the markets all a-jitter. The sums involved are so vast they are basically beyond comprehension, although the general consensus seems to be that it will probably not be enough. More than a few people are unconvinced that the package is actually a good thing, and the US congress has decided it needs repackaging before it gets delivered to all the fidgety bankers. In the meantime, we wait...

While you're waiting for the numbers, here's a little puzzle to keep you thinking (courtesy TC):

What's the next number in this series? 1, 2, 6, 42, 1806, ...

I know Trywalker will probably get this in 3 nanoseconds, so rather than spoiling the game and posting the answer in a comment here, please email the next number to dan (at) atigerinafrica (dot) com, and I'll add the names of any brainboxes to this post. Then I'll pick a winner at random and mail them a $700 billion package (if I can get it through congress).

List of Brainboxes:-
Trywalker - (shock) please read all instructions before solving next time...
Daddy Papersurfer - eats equations for breakfast
UDH Boy - worked it out through the arb
lazy - isn't it past your bedtime?!
tNb - Before coffee no less! Respect...
HeadTeach - No trouble for a brain the size of Richmond. Please explain to orangepeel :-p
Jay - Using the "Depp Effect" ;-)
SparklyAph - With help from the underexercised hairy one {:op );
Bambambam - I'll try to find a harder one next time and you and Trywalker can go head-to-head

Get Out Of Mein Fast Lane!

Four days in the sun-baked Alps has been a welcome break from recent stresses and strains (although substituted a few aches and pains in return). Oddly, the stress-relief began and ended quite genuinely with the actual crossing of the Swiss border. There are a number of reasons I can think of why that may be the case, but in this post I will focus on just one: German drivers.

The sausage-munchers are not the worst drivers in Europe. That accolade falls fairly and squarely on the shoulders of the Belgians. I know some will say it’s the Italians, others the Spanish, and others, perhaps with some justification, the inhabitants of Swindon. However, I have driven everywhere and I can assure you that it’s the Belgians. The Antwerp ring-road is like some living nightmare real-life episode of Whacky Races.

No, our Teutonic friends are not the worst. Instead they are the most inconsiderate. What we are dealing with is not some mass-hysterical automotive version of the Red Arrows, but rather a large population of drivers, each and every one of whom assumes categorically that they have right of way in every conceivable circumstance. As another road user, you are expected to know and adhere to your inferior status, and make way accordingly. Indicators are optional extras in Germany, and in BMWs there is no actual interface between driver and vehicle. The orange lights simply go on and off again at random to 'indicate' to the Polizei that they can function.

They will not make way for you, they will block your intentions if at all possible, they will pull out or accelerate if they see you are about to over-take and they will never, ever, ever acknowledge or thank you for making way for them. Worst of all, on the Autobahns they will hound you like rabid dogs. For a normal person all this can be enormously intimidating.

Imagine, if you will, heading South towards the mountains for a well-earned break along a stretch of two-lane roadway. You are maintaining what you consider to be a fairly sprightly 150 kmh and come upon some slower moving lorries. Checking your mirrors to ensure there is still no-one in sight, let alone your vicinity, you pull into the fast lane to over-take. A few seconds later you glance in the rear-view mirror and enter a momentary state of shock. You appear to have suddenly acquired an additional passenger.

Time slows down under such circumstances. Your mind races: you remember stopping to refuel but you are sure you didn’t pick up any hitch-hikers. Could someone have snuck in the car? Where were they hiding? Should you scream? Would he notice if you dialled the Polizei? Could you reach the Swiss-army knife in the glove compartment? Which tool would be most effective? Then gradually (in half a second or so) you are aware that despite the fact you can see the red veins in his rage-filled eyeballs, Herr E. Tchuebacher is not actually on your back seat, just on your back bumper. And boy is he mad. You have the audacity to occupy the fast lane at the same time he was attempting to break the land speed record on his way to his next wireless bluetooth headset sales pitch, and thus the furious flashing of his headlights is Morse code for “if I didn’t have ein meeting to go to Ich would force you off ze road and mutilate your pathetic Hund, who ist staring at me through your back vindow. Tell him to stop ze staring!”

While you’re surprised that Herr E. Tchuebacher managed to make up the distance from over the horizon to 4mm from your number plate in less than two bars of the theme tune to “The Greatest Escape”, there’s no surprise in what car he is driving. The problem with BMW’s marketing slogan is that while their cars may or may not be the ‘ultimate driving machine’, there is no doubt that, in Germany at least, their owners take this as definitive confirmation of what they knew already: that they are the ‘ultimate driver.’

It’s a well-accepted fact that Germans love rules. To an extent this is true. They adore regulations, the more the merrier, because each one gives them a chance to indulge their real passion: chastising someone who has stepped over the line. I imagine that the only reason the government will not restrict the speed limits on the Autobahns is that they recognise the importance to the nation of allowing themselves to let off steam. Without this particular outlet for aggression, who knows what they would get up to.