Somnambulistic Ramblings

Size Matters

2010-11-08T09:41:00.000Z

I was getting bogged down the other day with a variety of matters that all seemed of sizeable importance. Business, schools, family and health all appeared a little out of control, ballooning out to fill every frame of reference, and I had no time for thinking outside my own little box. My universe had become narrow and incredibly ego-centric. But then I stumbled across this wonderful video sequence, and felt MUCH better after reacquainting myself with my own insignificance...

Item of the day: The Great Escape (The Top 100 Films #50)

2010-09-09T08:19:00.000+01:00

This brought such a smile when it popped up as TheTop100.net's item of the day this morning. It's always fun when a personal favourite gets selected at random from thousands of possibilities!

A while back I gleefully made reference to The Great Escape as I escaped across the border into Switzerland for the last time, never to return to the land of the sausage-gobblers. I think it's time to dig out the DVD and hum my way through a bottle of Swiss Dôle...

The Top 100 Films : The Great Escape

Item of the day: Creepy crawly (Daddy Papersurfer's Top 100 Matches of the Day #3)

2010-09-07T07:58:00.001+01:00

Today's TheTop100.net item of the day Daddy Papersurfer's Top 100 Matches of the Day : Creepy crawly is from the brilliant list of Daddy Papersurfer's mini-cartoon series. It's definitely worth a browse...!

Item of the day: Poitiers (The Top 100 Historical Battles #27)

2010-09-03T09:11:00.000+01:00

A defining moment in the Hundred Years War and worth a read...

The Top 100 Historical Battles : Poitiers

Speaking of a Hundred Years, that is approximately how long ago I last saw Daddy Papersurfer and his entourage, and it was a privilege to visit him, Lo, TG and Tiggz at the cliff top residence for a delicious lunch yesterday, along with Sparkly Aph. It's a beautiful setting (if a tad cliff-toppy for me!) for catching up over times both very old and very new...

We took with us a bag of goodies: Champagne, which unfortunately wasn't cold enough to drink, some The Top 100 attire, which Daddy P used to treat us to a fashion show throughout the afternoon, and a huge stash of apples, which Daddy P was very disappointed to discover weren't Sparkly Aph's renowned chocolate brownies. Ah well, just gives us an excuse to do it all again in another Hundred Years....

Item of the day: Court Scene Sketch (The Top 100 Monty Python Sketches #53)

2010-08-29T07:51:00.001+01:00

I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so anyway.... Brilliant stuff!!

The Top 100 Monty Python Sketches : Court Scene Sketch

Item of the day: Oxford Landing Cabernet Sauvignon Shiraz 2008 (The Top 100 Wines #33)

2010-08-28T11:17:00.000+01:00

Gotta be worth a sampling...

The Top 100 Wines : Oxford Landing Cabernet Sauvignon Shiraz 2008

Item of the day: Tennants Lager - Voodoo (The Top 100 Amusing Adverts #71)

2010-08-27T07:54:00.001+01:00

This was at #71 when highlighted as Item of the day this morning... and now soared to #2. Not sure it'll stay there that long though!...

The Top 100 Amusing Adverts : Tennants Lager - Voodoo

Summer Olympics 2010

2010-08-24T23:21:00.000+01:00

After, to be frank, a generally unmentionable 2010, the brightest spark on the calendar looms tomorrow: Summer Olympics - kids doing silly stuff and loving every minute, while the physically mature try and organise a p+++-up around a BBQ. Who cares if it rains on our heads... I look forward to a day to forget about other things!

Daddy Papersurfer's Top 100 Matches of the Day

2010-08-24T08:47:00.004+01:00

The latest New Idea on The Top 100 from Daddy Papersurfer. It's kind of like L.S.Lowry meets the Far Side... Brilliant :-))

Check it out.....

The Top 100 Artists

2010-07-22T13:09:00.002+01:00

When setting out on the Project Dennis mission, The Top 100 Artists was one of the lists I was looking forward to seeing most. It's very rewarding to finally see it come to fruition, and fascinating to see how other people view the great masters and how the list adjusts as new people come on to give their opinions.

Now, how about The Top 100 Paintings... :-)

What's a Widget?

2010-06-02T18:56:00.001+01:00

This is... :-)

The Project Dennis uber-technicians have conjured a truly brilliant little thingamybob called a 'list widget'. Basically, anywhere on TheTop100.net website where you are viewing a list, you can click the new ListWidget button and get a copy of the list for your own website or blog. It updates automatically, so it's always up-to-date with current opinion, and you can even resize it to fit wherever you need on a page. It's brilliant!

Can't find the right Top 100 list to put on your site? Simple, start your own...

Vote Dennis!

2010-05-25T07:12:00.000+01:00

I'm glad to see that the word is spreading already. Orangepeel spied this with his little i-thingy while out peddling...

Vote Dennis! (you know it makes sense)

Pop Goes The Dennis

2010-05-21T13:28:00.002+01:00

Well, it's been a while in the brewing and a somewhat complicated birth, but Dennis is finally opening his eyes to the big, wide world. Lots still to do but thought I'd mark the occasion with a quick post between sips of bubbles. If you happen to be passing, do drop by and say hello...

Holy Whale? Maybe not. Whale of a time? Absolutely :-)

More votes for everyone!

2010-05-12T19:51:00.005+01:00

So we have a new government, a coalition of the willing if you like, which is nice. Mr Cameron & Mr Clegg seem to be getting on awfully well, making speeches and compromises and promises of change and reform. Let's see how long it lasts.

It seems first-past-the-post doesn't necessarily deliver the ideal verdict but apparently there's a new way of voting just around the corner:- it will be slick, simple and much, much fairer.

Naturally, I’m not referring to PR, AV, AV+, STV, STDs or any kind of boring political reform. No, I’m much more excited about the incredible voting and ranking system that beats in Dennis’ heart, that our friendly Alpha Testers have been putting through its paces over the last 6 weeks or so.

Lots of brilliant feedback has led to lots of tweaking both small and large, and after (at the exact time of writing) 18,911 votes, 2,219 ratings and 616 reviews, we’re now very close to opening the doors to the wider world. Drop by soon at...

Incidentally, in The Top 100 Dinner Guests, Nick Clegg sits at #35 and David Cameron at #40, with Oz Clarke, Spike Milligan, Vic Reeves and Jamie Oliver nestling between them. Not much of a cabinet perhaps, but I suspect it would make a lively evening…

Funny farm or Animal farm?

2010-02-02T08:21:00.000Z

Pope Benedict attacks government over Equality Bill

Leaving aside for a moment the whole issue of religious fundamentalists' desire to impose their archaic practices on the rest of the world, the Pope's subtle and disingenuous self-contradiction (for which I believe he has a natural talent), strikes me as particularly Orwellian.... "We believe in equality. Equality is sacrosanct. As long as it's our kind of equality. Some are more equal than others, you know." Here endeth the lesson.

The Big Freeze

2010-01-08T13:37:00.003Z

It’s the bleak midwinter. I know this, because last night Dadnambulist, on the phone from the Southernmost tip of the Arctic circle, exclaimed through the chattering of his remaining teeth “They call this global f+++ing warming? If they want to save the polar bears they should bring ‘em all here to live in f+++ing Cornwall.”

The body and the ideology may be eroded by the passage of time, but the wit retains an enduring vitality. Perhaps that was cackling rather than chattering that I heard.

2009 was not the year of the Dennis after all. Instead, he remains frozen in dispute like some gigantic mammoth, locked in the permafrost by the evil wizard’s spell (he who must not be named, and who must surely live in a castle devoid of mirrors).

Still, while Lord Mouldyfort spent the holidays with his conscience, there was time to spare for much festive fun and frivolity. The hordes descended on the Applehouse for a Saturnalian Yuletide Winterval and then left fuller of mirth and girth. The turn of the year was spent in the delightful company of friends in Co. Kildare (Billy the Buttlander made it there and back with barely a whimper), where the mini-somnambulists enjoyed a week of walks, swims, games and marathon sessions on Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2, with their local comrades.

Then came the snows. All the Clanambulists love snow, not least the under-exercised hairy one, who takes to drifts with gay abandon. Although to be fair, he’s not so keen when I make him sit and dangle his soft bits in it, to pose for photos. Can’t blame him really.

While we’re waiting for Dennis to thaw, we’re making the most of the beautiful Kentarctica…

Denn...

2009-10-22T11:30:00.000+01:00

I have so little time I can't even finish the subject title. Sincere, heartfelt, guilty, apologies to all the tasks that are being delayed by a few minutes, but I haven't posted here for some time, and the briefest of snapshots seems appropriate at this moment.

Our outstanding task-list on the Project Dennis alpha site has been gradually, methodically, unflaggingly whittled away to a paltry 50 items. Over the last couple of weeks, in the run-up to our full testing phase, the site has started to take on a much more dynamic, usable, 'lived-in' look and feel, and we are genuinely excited about inviting everyone on in less that three weeks.

It's been a long time (much longer than we had anticipated) coming, but the light is most definitely peering at us from the end of the tunnel. This is just as well, since my vow not to cut my hair until it's done and dusted has forced me to learn how to live with a pony tail. If only they could see me now. A good friend, who I'd not seen for some time, remarked that I look like an 'Italian porn star.' I suspect he didn't mean it as a compliment, but I'll take it as one nonetheless.

Onwards and onwards....

Dennis' Stablemate

2009-08-12T11:38:00.003+01:00

Phew!

Time has acquired previously undetected physical properties and is evaporating vigorously before my very eyes... either that or its being consumed by Dennis' voracious appetite for man hours.

9 months into development, Dennis trundles along gathering proportions like a fast food addict. In a snowball. Would we have started, had we realised the gargantuousness of the task at hand? Sure, but we might have sliced him up into more bit-sized pieces.

I am not going to tempt fate by suggesting we have a sniff of the finish line. Instead, I'll content myself with the fact that a remarkable amount has already been accomplished, and that it won't be long before a wider audience gets their first look... I hope they are not entirely underwhelmed.

You might think, quite sensibly, that with Dennis seeming marginally Sisyphean, one would be foolish to embark on any additional, major undertaking in parallel. But we like a challenge at A Tiger In Africa, and possibly for that reason alone, Dennis now has a sibling.

Project Norman (unfortunately I was out-voted and the epithet 'Spiny' was removed from the title) combines real-world game-play with online connectivity and collaboration. That's about all I can say at the moment, but details will be gradually released here...

Phriday Photo XLV

2009-06-26T06:00:00.001+01:00

A special Phriday today, so a special photo - it's Sparkly Aph's birthday and we're taking a day off from Dennis, and going to play some golf! CB-) )-=;

Sparkly Aphrodite in the nude

(it's only a model!)

To view previous Phriday Photos, click here!

Phriday Photo XLIV

2009-06-19T19:21:00.002+01:00

OK, not a photo today (but who's checking?!)... but this made me laugh out loud when it arrived in my inbox this week (lol), and it definitely belongs on here :)

Toview previous Phriday Photos, click here!

Phriday Photo XLIII

2009-06-12T10:37:00.002+01:00

England's footballers seem unstoppable at the moment (let's not mention cricket at the moment, shall we?), with Wayne Rooney in a particularly strong vein of form. I suspect it's only a matter of time before opposing teams resort to questionable tactics to prevent him scoring goals...

Dangerous tackle...or tackle in danger?

To view previous Phriday Photos, click here!

To The Manor Prawn

2009-06-09T08:28:00.003+01:00

Sparkly Aph's Food For Thought goes from strength to strength, but needed a re-branding following our return to Blighty... and so "To The Manor Prawn" is (errr) born :-)

So, for all your catering needs (especially parties, weddings, entertaining), can I direct you to:

To The Manor Prawn

This is Lord P, he's a bit of a prawn and a bit of a toff
(but not a toffee prawn, that would be gross)

Phriday Photo XLII

2009-06-05T08:32:00.003+01:00

Thanks for messages about the under-exercsied-hariy-one last week...

Muttley is on the mend :-)

To view previous Phriday Photos, click here!

Project Dennis Update

2009-05-30T09:55:00.004+01:00

Just a short post while I have a moment, but necessary to mark an important milestone.

Today, 'slightly' behind schedule we were able to send out our first invitations to our Alpha Testing community to come and visit the Dennis test site. An eclectic mix of metaphoric wise men, inn-keepers and shepherds they get the first entry into the rickety stable and peer at the new-born baby Dennis.

Whether or not Dennis turns out to be the leader of a new cult that engulfs half the world or just another very naughty boy remains to be seen, but at the moment we're just delighted that he's here at all...

Nativity Starter Set $99.99 available from General Foam Plastics Corp Indoor or Outdoor use (only one bulb included)

Phriday Photo XLI

2009-05-29T07:21:00.003+01:00

I came across this picture in my travels and found it unnerving enough to post today. It's not that I have anything against people praying to walls, etc. - whatever brings you inner peace is alright by me. It was just that this chap doesn't appear to be praying at all. He appears to be looking. Which got me thinking...what can he see through the little crack...?

I spy with my little eye...

To view previous Phriday Photos, click here!

Free Lunches

2009-05-23T07:37:00.004+01:00

Yesterday I missed the first Phriday Photo post since starting the blog last year. This lapse in personal discipline was due to being up most of Thursday night with a seriously sick doggy (including a couple of the darkest hours spent expensively at the not-so-local vets), followed by a very busy day with Dennis on Friday. The underexercised hairy one will be fine, although he's moping about a bit under the influence of various drugs.

Mitigating circumstances aside, I feel that I owe a debt of service to this slightly neglected blog, especially since it was never supposed to be just another place to post mostly regurgitated, mildly amusing pictures. So today I'm sharing a few useful snippets of info, should any aspiring entrepreneurs wander by...

They say there's no such thing as a 'free lunch', and they're probably right. Even when you don't pay for something up front, if you follow the cost trail far enough you'll find somehow or other you're footing the bill. Nevertheless, I've come across some genuine nuggets of advice and information for start-up businesses, readily available for little more than a small collection of internet-access, time, travel and taxpayer expenses.

Free Business Advice on the Internet

Until someone comes along with a website that organises information effectively so that you can quickly determine which are the best places that offer free advice (we're working on it), you're left with the Google keyword-a-thon lottery. Let me save you some time. This is one of the most succinct sources of info for first-time would-be Richard Bransons: Angel Blog. And, for free, the best part of the site is the Start-up To Do List.

Fancy yourself weilding business cards with CEO next to your name, but secretly don't really know what the role actually entails in its entirety? Free Management Library: Basic overview of the role of the Chief Executive.

Beginner (very) basics: if you've got an idea for a website but aren't sure what's entailed in setting it up and monetising options, try the Webpage Blueprint.

Already know where you're going, and want to listen to educated views on new media revenue models? Bookmark The Monday Note.

What's "competitor analysis" about? Here are a couple of pointers: NetMBA & Tutor2U.

In that vein, want to know what kind of traffic and stats your competitors are seeing? Alexa and Compete offer good free entry-level services. (Of course for your own stats you will have installed the excellent, cost-free Google Analytics).

Government Sources

Start at Business Link and you won't go far wrong. There's good overview information there, and you can arrange free consultations and advice with your local Business Link centre.

The Intellectual Property Office will assist you with protecting your ideas, and they arrange a free, confidential consultation with a qualified patent attorney, in conjuction with the CIPA, to consider if your ideas may be worth pursuing a patent application - expensive but probably worth the investment if successful. Member firms of CIPA will also invariably grant you a free initial consultation.

The British Library has a superb free resource in its Business & IP Centre. We arranged a free 90-minute business analysis and advice session, with a basic action plan and follow up meetings down the road to see how we are getting on.

...A spin off of all these free meetings is that they are superb practice for conveying your business idea in confidence, which I guarantee will help build, err, confidence.

I think I'll leave the funding side of things for another post, because we might start drifting off the 'free lunch' vein. However, check out the individual tax breaks on startup investments under the Enterprise Investment Scheme. Additionally, since the British public now own vast swathes of the banking sector, which has been very naughty, it is being 'encouraged' to lend money to the small and medium business sector that represents the only real prospect of dragging the economy up by its bootstraps. The Enterprise Finance Guarantee provides majority government underwriting (lending banks take the minority risk) to SME loans of £1k-£1m over a period of up to 10 years, at pretty attractive interest rates. I understand that certain banks have a quota to fulfill in such loans, and I fully intend to help them meet it.

And finally, if you're thinking about buying a business instead of starting one from scratch (and believe me, you should be: my bank is offering to provide EFG assistance to do so), then I can highly recommend the Diomo course. OK, its style is a touch "U.S. Self-help hype" and at £50 is not free. However, its information is invaluable, and in relative terms (i.e. 1/3 the cost of a middle-of-the-night trip to the emergency vets) it's a veritable bargain.

There. I hope I've added a tiny bit back to the blogosphere and feel at least partially absolved for my indiscipline. It'll be back to the silly photos next week.

If all of the above was simply mind-numbingly dull, click here to see previous Phriday Photos while you wait...

Phriday Photo XL

2009-05-15T06:00:00.001+01:00

It's tough out there, and while we wait for Dennis to get going everyone has to pull their weight. And that includes the under-exercised hairy one: he's going out to stud. We've therefore put together a promotional puppy pimping photo package for prospective readers of the horseandhound.co.uk and the like...

To rent: The Dog's b......

To view previous Phriday Photos, click here!

Phriday Photo XXXIX

2009-05-08T06:00:00.000+01:00

With what seems like barely a free minute to spare at the moment, this pic brought a wry smile... :-)

Have a productive Friday. Or not.

To view previous Phriday Photos, click here!

Phriday Photo XXXVIII

2009-05-01T06:00:00.000+01:00

I've been known to pick up a pencil or a paintbrush on occasion, and not always with disastrous results. However, I have always been in awe of pavement artists - out in the elements with the most unforgiving of canvasses, usually drawing on a huge scale, and at the end of it only pennies and a photo to show for it. Respect.

Leonardos in another life...

To view previous Phriday Photos, click here!

Brimming With Pride

2009-04-27T17:12:00.003+01:00

Pride invariably does come before the fall, so I do try to curtail that particular emotional mental state most of the time. Today, however, a little self-indulgence... Yesterday, on one of the most important events on the Somnambulist calendar - the Rugby Club end-of-season Awards - the mini-Somnambulists excelled themselves.

Not only did no.2 son win the U11 'Player of the Year' award (accompanied by rave accolades from coaches), but also no.1 brought home the highly coveted 'McNamara Trophy,' - awarded in memory of a young club member who passed away, to the U13 player displaying the most dedication, commitment and heart throughout the season...

mini-Somnambulist hero II & mini-Somnambulist hero I

Phriday Photo XXXVII

2009-04-24T06:00:00.002+01:00

Spring has sprung and the eagerly awaited blossom is adorning the trees at the Applehouse. Dennis is a little late arriving, but that's fine, we'll wait in the shade with a picnic and a glass of cider.... What budget? What was it that I used to do for a living? A lifetime ago...

Spring sun in the Kent countryside :-)

To view previous Phriday Photos, click here!

Phriday Photo XXXVI

2009-04-17T06:00:00.003+01:00

It was a great pleasure to see my Antipodean mucker, VB, over the bank holiday weekend. Not only did we get the chance to sink a couple of Spitfires, he even came bearing gifts - including a most excellent T-Shirt from that gentleman and scholar, Trywalker....

FX Traders' survival wear...

(pic above now viewable - thanks for the heads-up, Jay!)

To view previous Phriday Photos, click here!

Phriday Photo XXXV

2009-04-10T06:00:00.001+01:00

It's Phriday. Jolly Good. The barbarian hordes are descending for the long weekend, meaning a marathon visit to the superdupermarket is unavoidable. An appropriate time, I think, to wheel out some of my favourite consumer products from around the world.

The Somnambulist's shopping basket...

To view previous Phriday Photos, click here!

Ramblers' Rest

2009-04-06T18:41:00.002+01:00

Not, as you might expect, a blogging hiatus (UDH Boy will have already ascertained this from the specific location of the apostrophe). Instead, a minor addition to the income stream (more of a trickle really), in the form of first class, top-notch, super-value guest accomodation.

If you happen to know anyone travelling through the Kent area in need of a stupendously good night's sleep followed by a full-on, full monty breakfast, please direct them here...

(Regular readers of S.R. eligible for a generous discount... for Daddy Papersurfer, we even have an extremely large shed full of antiquey, farmy things)

Dennis Update IV

2009-04-04T13:08:00.005+01:00

Despite the delays mentioned a few days ago, we passed a small but significant milestone this week: the first implemented code module. It was nothing more (and perhaps nothing less) than the registration-email-log-in component, but it's there and it works.

It prompted quite an extraordinary moment of realisation. After years of evolving the concept, months of analysis, design and preparation, and the consumption of a large wad of cash, seeing the Project Dennis team email arrive in the inbox, inviting one to log into the demo site, was like the first twitch of life in Frankenstein's monster's little finger.

They don't make 'em like they used to...

Phriday Photo XXXIV

2009-04-03T07:29:00.003+01:00

There used to be a time when going to an art gallery meant looking at pictures. Nowadays it can be like stepping inside Salvador Dali's cortex...

Installation art or PD developer on his lunch break?

Alas, poor Dennis...

To view previous Phriday Photos, click here!

Dennis Update III

2009-04-02T09:21:00.002+01:00

The frequency of posts here is inversely proportional to the Dennis workload... Since the last update, work on the preview of the Project Dennis alpha site has been completed and we have moved into the implementation phase, where the business rules layer is coded to integrate the database and GUI layers. This is done in a series of so-called 'sprints', where a number of related sections are developed as a group and then tested, while the next sprint is worked on.

Time has slipped away from us somewhat, and we are now looking at a probable alpha go-live at the end of April. Frustrating as this is, we believe that the hard development work being done now will save us much more time down the road.

In addition I have also been working on a top secret new blog "Dennis Lore," which will help our community of alpha testers learn more about the project and also seed the Help & FAQs section of the site. Back to work...!

Phriday Photo XXXIII

2009-03-27T07:25:00.004Z

A change of tack this week. Less humour, more sentiment.

I caught this touching moment of an old fella sharing his ice cream with his faithful friend in a park in Harrogate. There was something very sincere and endearing about their interaction. I wondered if either of them were reminiscing about days of youth, or lost partners perhaps...

Fido always saves the chocolate flake till the end

To view previous Phriday Photos, click here!

Downsizing

2009-03-25T06:00:00.000Z

We said a sad farewell to the Somnambulistic Mothership last week. It had served us well, happily transporting us around Europe, up snowy Alp, along endless autobahn and down winding Cornish country lane on many occasions. But.. there's a credit crunch, the steering wheel was on the wrong side, and most importantly, people thought we were German.

So we've put the record straight on that by downsizing to something old and British. Not, unfortunately, a Supermarine Spitfire but a Land Rover Freelander. It makes funny noises, drinks engine coolant like a Glaswegian nightclub owner, shudders between 19 and 26 mph, and won't stop the sneers from the ecomentalcyclists. However, it should put a stop to people giving us straight-arm salutes with their fingers under their noses.

From mothership to lifeboat (only slower)

Phriday Photo XXXII

2009-03-20T06:00:00.000Z

Some things are destined for the bonfire the moment they were conceived, and so it was with a certain item of furniture (plus a small collection of unwanted flotsam). Just before I dropped the match I noticed that the "Fire Resistant" label had still not been removed and decided to put this claim to the test and record the results. The following photo montage spans no more than four minutes and speaks for itself...

The hot seat.

To view previous Phriday Photos, click here!

Artificial Albert

2009-03-18T06:00:00.001Z

You've probably seen countless clips of robotic faces. They've got better over the years but to my mind have never quite shaken off that disappointing Disney World animatronics-style tackiness. Until I saw the clip on the link below.

At first it's just another unconvincing (if high-quality) rubber-faced bag of servos. But keep watching... something changes when Mr E is given a robot body that moves freely and independently. Perhaps it is because when there is more motion to occupy one's focus, the facial scrutiny is less intense and we look more at the whole.. err entity? Whatever, the effect for me is eerie and I couldn't suppress the notion that I was taking a glimpse into the future.

Click AE for the shape of physicists to come...

Stand Clear. For Your Own Safety.

2009-03-16T08:28:00.003Z

On Saturday afternoon, despite being barely two months old, the main PC went into an irretrievable hibernation. I can only assume that this was some form of protest against the usual gripes: overwork and underpay. Despite 12 hours trying to coax it back out from underneath the duvet with every form of artificial resuscitation known to man, it was as dead as the proverbial plague victim.

That is, until I took it out for a drive. I talked to it in gentle tones, as you might your favourite pet on the last trip to the vet, soothing background music on the CD player. Down the country lanes we went, round the roundabouts, along the motorway, heading for the den of iniquity that is Chatham, from whence the idle box of circuitry had come.

Of course, once they plugged the little bugger in, Windows safe mode popped cheerily up on the screen without a second's thought. After half an hour of diagnostics while I listened to a string of irate customers' electronical woes, I then had to endure much polite condescension.

"When the power light flashes, that means it's gone into hibernation." Yes I know.

"Holding the power button for six to ten seconds will switch the power off completely." Yes, I know.

"Switching it back on again will launch windows safe..." Yes. I know. I wondered if Bill Gates gets those kind of raised eyebrow looks when his PC goes on the blink.

I left sheepishly, feeling the need for some of that soothing background music, but changed my mind and put AC/DC on instead. The audio system in the car immediately stopped working, and took my only other source of comfort, the friendly (everso slightly sultry) SatNav woman, with it. This is bad timing, since I'd only the day before agreed the sale price on the Somnambulist mothership and it's due to be picked up this week.

I stopped the car, switched off, waited, and tried again. Nothing. The only thing that brought it back to life was distance from my physical personage. Once I had got home and weeped into a large mug of coffee for ten minutes, Brian Johnson was back and making lewd suggestions to the SatNav girl.

These things come in threes. This morning, on my jog (stumble) around the orchards, my iPod packed up in the middle of Insomnia.

Boom-boom "..I can't get no.... " Oh, I've gone to sleep.

A polite word of warning for your own benefit. Don't bring precious electrical items to the Applehouse until I stop channelling gremlins.

Phriday Photo XXXI

2009-03-13T06:00:00.001Z

Free time is scarce at the moment, hence the lack of posts. However, I hope to make partial amends with a Photo Phriday treat...or should that be Phideo Phriday? Nah.

Inspired by a great idea for Dennis (thanks Kevin!), I've fished out one of my all time favourite ads. Enjoy...

Who said romance is dead?

To view previous Phriday Photos, click here!

Dennis Update II

2009-03-10T09:34:00.004Z

Yesterday p-i-g orangepeel and I visited the largely underwhelming Social-networking World Forum in London Olympia (to be fair to the organisers we only went to the exhibition - I'm sure that the speeches and discussions were very interesting). There were a lot more suits and ties than I expected to see, as well as rather a lot of dubious products and business models. I'm not going to point any fingers but if you are demonstrating a new mobile phone application and the best new feature you have in development ("we hope to have this function live before too long") is a menu ("we think this will allow users to select options much more easily"), you might want to rethink your pitch. Or product. That being said, there were some noteworthy stands/pitches (we liked the guys from Omnifuse) and we were very pleased to meet up with Kevin Dixie from Fuelmyblog. Quick, fuel my blog. Down there, on the left. Go on, click it. ;-)

Following the exhibition we had a (long) meeting with the team at Simplicity, to review progress on Dennis. Last Friday we got our first look at the "preview site." This gives us the ability to surf around the user interface - the top of three 'layers.' As usual, we had a long list of amendments, which we went through in minute detail (Dennis the pedantic peasant) and they are being worked on as I type. In the meantime we continue to refine the algorithm and rules that will occupy the second ('business') layer, and prepare for testing the Alpha site once we go live. The bottom 'database' nuts-and-bolts layer is now largely complete, even if it's an empty, vacant skeleton.

There is an awful lot still to be done if we are to meet our go-live objective of end-March, but we are cracking on. Things are definitely taking shape, and there is a sense of momentum. Responses to the concept continue to be highly positive, and though nobody can predict precisely how things will pan out, we are definitely on to something. Perhaps even a whiff of a whale...

Phriday Photo XXX

2009-03-06T06:00:00.003Z

I've only persevered with this phriday photo thing to see what kind of traffic I would attract when I got to photo XXX.

Anyway, I have a couple of pics for you today, with a particular nod to my old colleagues and associates... You need to be in a cave in outer Mongolia to be unaware that financial times are bad these days, but there is one long-suffering profession that has been in terminal decline for a lot longer than the current cycle of crunching credit: Spot Foreign Exchange voice broking.

Ravaged by the machines (that do a significantly better job of matching buyers and sellers), their numbers have dwindled to a mere smattering of the hard-nosed, hard-drinking, handfuls-of-cash-waving hordes that swarmed The City in the heady days of the ERM. I'm not sure I'll miss the hollow-friendship banter and bravado, but I will miss the playground nicknames: 'Scampi', 'Cheddar', 'Lurch', 'Screamer', and so many more I have forgotten. It was like living in a Bash Street Kids comic strip on a daily basis.

Extremely rare image of spot monkey reading a newspaper while commuting to work...

Extremely rare image of monkey reading a newspaper after a hard day in the jungle...

To view previous Phriday Photos, click here!

Glamoraks

2009-03-05T06:00:00.002Z

Do you ever wonder what you were up to 30 years ago (70s teen need not answer)? Or, for the younger readers, what other people, like your parents, were up to? Well, I can't say I dwell on such matters normally but it's fascinating what you come across when sifting through a time-warp junk mountain (before I get any specific comments, I know not all of it was junk!)...

In November 1979, when the UK was ironically struggling through severely adverse economic conditions, 15 of your English pences would buy you Britain's 'top selling' weekly for women, Woman's Own (I still, to this day, don't know what that title means: Woman's Own what? What woman?). Anyway, one glance at the cover can tell you that while in the desk-top publishing interweb age magazine's have come along visually somewhat, the content matter seems vaguely, if not very clearly, familiar.

"The most important girl in Prince Charles' life-who is she?" A fine question indeed, and it's even more interesting to read inside quotes from the man himself explaining how important it is to be careful in selecting the future queen of England. Quite.

"Exclusive What it's like to be rich- by the wife of Britain's first £1million footballer*" The numbers may be a little different but I'm thinking the WAGs of today probably would recognise a passing reflection.

Make-up tips, win cars, holidays and cash, how to make your bedroom out of bamboo for £20 (IKEA forerunner)... Have we moved on? A look at the adverts is revealing: Discount food brands (same price as today, but offer subject to availability), State Express cigarettes (good riddance), New Blue Band ("eat natural - feel good" health kick mantra), The Bendix Rotary Ironer ("for people who can't stand ironing"), and my own favourite: "Germany. Maker of fine foods."

Halifax (HBOS to the juniors) is a good one - "There are lots of ways you can save with the Halifax. For instance you can open a Paid-up Share Account with just £1.." which coincidentally is about what it would still be worth today. If you're lucky.

Unfortunately "Glamoraks" - the newest, shiniest jackets around in '79 - didn't last the fashion course.

(p.s. why does that yellow jump-suit zipper start at the bottom?)

*I'll leave that obvious little bit of trivia open for the comments page :-)

Loving The Elbow Grease

2009-03-02T08:04:00.004Z

In the last week of furious activity I have been reminded of a few things.

The first is how much I actually enjoy physically demanding work. After twenty years of sitting on an increasingly accomodating @rse, spending a week shifting heavy objects from one place to another (not-necessarily-more-appropriate) place has been thoroughly agreeable. Although not as agreeable as that most English of pastimes, building bonfires. It's quite extraordinary how quickly and furiously 1970s furniture and bric-a-brac combusts with only the slightest of encouragement.

I've remembered that wheelbarrows are a quite astonishingly good invention and pondered who came up with the idea and when.

After relocating the equivalent contents of a medium-sized bookshop across the farmyard and down the stairs to the cellar, my aching back and limbs have reminded me that books are heavy and generally designed to be handled one at a time.

Most of all, I've remembered the meaning of the word ambrosial, because after a long day up to my arms in elbow grease, that is how a gratifyingly cold beer tastes...

Phriday Photo XXIX

2009-02-27T06:00:00.002Z

Ever have one of those dreams where you're running as hard as you can but getting nowhere? It feels like you're in treacle, your limbs in slow-motion, unable to gain any traction.

Banker's nightmare: Swimming upstream in a river of one's own red ink...

To view previous Phriday Photos, click here!

Permanent Vacation

2009-02-21T07:38:00.012Z

They say a change is as good as a rest. It's not like we're on holiday but working full time on something you really enjoy doesn't really feel like work, and I have found myself occasionally seeking out Aerosmith's great 80's album "Permanent Vacation" on the ipod, and smiling to myself as I air-drum through the intro to "Heart's Done Time."

The dearth of posts this week is partly down to the rapidly-prototyping Dennis, but moreso the fact that it's half-term and the hordes have descended. The mini-somnambulists have been joined by a succession of friends, family and neighbours and the Applehouse has been full to bursting...

we've had a 'Superbowl party' atmosphere in the Applehouse...

the bar billiards table proved a roaring success and made it through the week largely unscathed...

the permanent marker pen was confiscated on day two...

the over-exercised hairy one took a nap whenever he got the chance, and wherever he dropped.

Now it's back to school, work and more fun :-)

Phriday Photo XXVIII

2009-02-20T08:04:00.006Z

There are a few people I know who are feeling a bit exposed and vulnerable this week. This one's a little light relief for them.

"See you, Jimmy"

To view previous Phriday Photos, click here!

Zero Done

2009-02-16T10:11:00.002Z

There once was an options trader, who, having made a (very) wrong price, and then been challenged on the price (twice), and finally been hit on the price in size, suddenly realised that he must have made a mistake. In a derivation of the normal derivative deal confirmation statement, he replied with:

"Zero done."

It might have been the oxymoronic tautology of the phrase that made it stick, or perhaps it was the very strong accent that gave it an Inspector Clouseau feel. Whatever it was that tickled traders' warped psychology, "Zaaayrow Dun." became a well-used turn of phrase, wheeled out whenever it was necessary to wryly indicate that an unfortunate interested party had failed to complete their desired transaction, deal or objective on account of being too late, too slow or simply incompetent.

Unfortunately, with the banking system in such a pickle at the moment, it seems a lot of traders are coming to terms with 'zero done' in the current compensation round.

"What was that? Bad line... it sounded like 'zaaayrow dun on zee bow-noose...'"

Phriday Photo XXVII

2009-02-13T06:21:00.010Z

An added bonus this week - not one, not two but phour photos! You've probably seen these ones before but they're worth another look for a Friday morning smile...

If recovery services were run by bankers...

To view previous Phriday Photos, click here!

Getting Serious

2009-02-11T07:15:00.003Z

The most valuable, exciting piece of equipment has at last arrived at the A Tiger In Africa office. And there was much rejoicing.

I'm not talking about the frustratingly overdue wireless router and broadband connection that was installed at the end of last month. Nor do I mean the stylish, Apple Mac, resplendent in its righteous white, now piously gracing one of the desks (we bow to it each time we go past).

I don't even mean the super-snazzy, bells and whistles Blackberry Storm that we collected yesterday (I predict the emergence of a dangerous divide between the iPhone and BS camps!).

Instead I refer to the simple yet crucially effective ATIA whiteboard that will finally fill its designated wall space and become, no doubt, the cornucopial font of all that is called Dennis.

Our best bit of kit...

Monday Blues

2009-02-09T08:13:00.003Z

Not so long ago I used to get that Monday morning feeling that my day job was largely about taking cr+p from multiple directions. Fortunately for me, that job now belongs to UDH Boy, and my main concern this Monday morning is that the miserable downpour underway is interrupting my firewood collecting schedule...

It's a dirty job but someone has to do it

Dennis Update

2009-02-08T08:39:00.002Z

At the time of writing Dennis is a couple of weeks late. I hope that this isn't a sign that he's pregnant and about to spawn lots of little Dennisses and Denises. We wouldn't have the space.

The principle reason for his tardiness is the greater-than-expected amount of time required to crystallise the theoretical model and design. We're are not overly concerned by being a little behind schedule - partly because all involved agree that the extra time spent in recent weeks has been worthwhile and will pay dividends in due course, and partly because now that we are entering the rapid-prototyping phase Simplicity will be adding extra resources to keep us as close to track as possible.

There is an almost tangible buzz of excitement circulating at the moment. From our (ATIA) perspective, seeing our long-fermented ideas not just taking shape but being refined and improved is enthralling. The Simplicity developers are also bringing their own enthusiasm for the project and Dennis' prospects...

Lahore Tummy

2009-02-07T07:31:00.004Z

Yesterday afternoon we gave a presentation and got our heads together with the dynamic Dennis development team at Simplicity, up in Islington. A friendly few Friday evening snifters followed in the Slug & Lettuce and it seemed like a great idea to stop by the Lahore Kebab House, just off Commercial Road, on the way home.

It's changed a bit over the years, from the tiny transport style cafe with old flaking formica tables and creaking benches with foam coming out at the seams, to the huge, sprawling restaurant it is now, somehow managing to be swanky and tacky at the same time. The kitchen is definitely larger than the entire establishment was 20 years ago.

What hasn't changed is the large throng of local residents waiting, many with their carrier bags full of refreshments from the off licence next door, ready to grab some seats at one of the big (now circular) tables. Nor has the quality of the food, which is quite simply addictive. In fact, over the years there have been rumours (quite untrue, I'm sure) of certain illegal ingredients being used to 'spice' up the dishes, such is the elation experienced by the happy, compulsive diners.

The ramifications the next morning are still the same too. The sudden urge to leap out of bed and dive into the bathroom, where one then has plenty of time on one's hands to, for example, compose blog posts. Yes, it's been a while but the old Lahore tummy is like the return of a faithful friend...

Phriday Photo XXVI

2009-02-06T06:00:00.001Z

There's something about today's photo that just reminds me of my previous place of employment. I can't say any more than that, since I am legally bound not to utter or publish a word that may be construed as criticism. Large cappos all round?

If your job has you in tears, lobby for a new coffee machine

To view previous Phriday Photos, click here!

Out Of The Icebox, Into The Freezer

2009-02-05T06:00:00.010Z

Despite the vast majority of the UK grinding to a halt, we managed to make it back from cold, snowy Zermatt to cold, snowy Kent. Unfortunately, despite having all the gear on hand, the North Downs just don't really have the lift infrastructure to take advantage of the conditions. Maybe we should have stayed a little longer.

Privileged to be guests at one of the finest chalets in the Swiss alps, a fantastic long weekend was had by all. Well, almost all. Unfortunately, our delightful hostess with the mostest was struck down with a savage dose of the Irish lurgy and missed her own 40th birthday party. As disconsolate as we were that she couldn't make it, we tried to console ourselves with a bit of skiing and general wallowing about in luxury, being waited on hand and foot.

This left plenty of time on one's feet to ponder much that is deep and meaningful...

The most important accessory in cold weather is a good pair of ski socks. And the most important accessories on a good pair of ski socks are "unique dexter-sinister* identifiers." Having the letters 'R' and 'L' on each sock means that you usually put them on the correct foot (we'll ignore the fact that someone spent a day on the slopes sporting a fine pair of 'RIGHTS'), which means that you don't end up with funny shapes and folds in the wrong place, leading to excrutiating discomfort.

There is nothing you need more when skiing (and when standing around in bars after skiing) than an absence of unwanted wrinkles inside hard ski boots...

...except, perhaps, a bloody great mountain covered in snow.

A VERY big happy 13th birthday to Joshnambulist :-))

*before Lord Andrew of Goulding claims it, I have already reserved "Dexter Sinister" as the name for my thrash metal project.

Added bonus: a much better Matterhorn from the balcony yesterday morning...

Muttley Teresa

2009-02-01T05:00:00.001Z

The underexercised hairy one has a problem with his ear, which is a shame as his ears are his most endearing feature. Like all Vizslas they are large, flappy and bleed profusely from the tiniest nick. Following an operation to attempt to patch him back together last week we have become frequent visitors to the local v-e-t-s. I do feel sorry for the poor little mite, but couldn't help chuckling as the increasingly frustrated animal doctors dressed him up as a nun.

Shortly after the photo below was taken, he managed to wrestle his ears free again and shake his head with his normal vigour. It was like a Quentin Tarantino movie. We carted him off in the blood wagon to be patched up again... for the fourth time that day.

"This is as far as I go. I'm not wearing the habit."

Sometimes, The Black Hole's Inside Ya

2009-01-31T05:00:00.000Z

Someone who I am proud to call a friend called me for some moral support. At work he feels the weight of the world on his shoulders, unappreciated and unrewarded, with little chance of things improving in the near future. He's a long way fom home and absorbs great pressure and responsibility for the welfare of his loved ones, while feeling remote from their day-to-day support. The harder he tries, the more he feels he is going nowhere.

Yet he is made of strong stuff, and he will persevere and continue on to great things in all aspects of his life, I have no doubt about that.

We all feel that oppressive doom and gloom now and again, when help from around you seems unavailing at best and the inner light is flickering and fading.

My personal antidote to this is a song called "Come Back Brighter" by Reef. I find a secluded spot, make sure that no-one is around (for their own benefit and safety), put the headphones on and then massacre the lyrics at the top of my voice...

Happy Birthday to Annambulist!!

Phriday Photo XXV

2009-01-30T05:00:00.001Z

How's your New Year's new lose-weight-get-fit-routine coming on? Personally, I'm a touch behind target but I'm blaming it on the stress...

Step class. U.S. style.

To view previous Phriday Photos, click here!

A Star Is Born

2009-01-29T05:00:00.000Z

A hearty congratulations this morning to UDH Boy and his clan. Clearly he felt that he hasn't quite enough to fill his plate at the moment and went about adding a fresh son and heir to the team, who arrived on the scene yesterday.

Given UDH's background, and the fact that one of the lad's names is that of a famous popular culture messianic figure, UDH Jnr already carries a great weight of expectation. I can imagine that already, his new nursery is festooned with discarded large-button calculators, old EBS keypads and the odd handset. He should be ready for the EUR/YEN seat within about six months...

Fill Yer Boots

2009-01-28T05:00:00.000Z

Yesterday Daddy Papersurfer wrote a post about boot sales, reminding me that against my better instincts, we may be forced to participate in one of these folorn events as an inevitable last resort, some time in the not too distant future.

Just recently, we offered to store a certain relative's belongings in the farm packing shed. We weren't prepared for the HGV that turned up with a truly staggering stockpile of chattelery, agglomerated over at least a quarter century. Some of the artefacts are quite extraordinarily bizarre. In fact, the kind of thing you will only ever find at a cold, muddy boot sale...

The underexercised hairy one views proceedings with bemused apprehension

Cannon Fodder

2009-01-27T05:00:00.000Z

I'm still mapping out the collection of small, perfectly spherical contusions that are scattered across my aching body. I assume that they are randomly distributed, but for a moment, as I glanced in the full-length mirror this morning, I could swear that I looked like a negative print of the Ursa Major.

The most painful spot is the Seven Sisters constellation on the back of my neck and shoulder. I can still picture the crazed maniac standing above me as I lay prostrate in the mud behind a flimsy wooden barricade...an unbridled concoction of adrenalin and hormones emitting a bloodcurdling roar as he attempted to empty his magazine of small, frost-hardened paintballs at my head. Muzzle velocity: 202 mph. Adolescent ferocity: Off-the-scale.

Mini-somnambulist I, and some of his chums about to attain teenageship, decided they would have a paintball party: "no presents please, just bring money for ammo." It seems that regular frustrations, plus murderous instincts developed by killing each other online playing "Call Of Duty" on a daily basis, require an additional release channel, with Dads as slow-moving targets.

I can't think why I never suggested we play this with my old work colleagues...

Small but highly dangerous and unpredictable. On no account arm with paint grenades or smoke bombs.

Happy Birthday to Jeznambulist!

Phriday Photo XXIV

2009-01-23T05:00:00.000Z

A lot of change goin' on around here this week. Wonder how long it'll take for them to get around to repainting this particular sign...

"Just take the next left past Oxymorons 'R' Us..."

To view previous Phriday Photos, click here!

The Apple House

2009-01-12T16:51:00.006Z

Apologies for the lack of posts in recent weeks. Despite being well ensconced in the 21st Century, it seems telecoms in deepest, darkest Kent still take a fair amount of arranging. We’ve finally got a phone but will be without internet connection for another week or so, and the expensive 3G “dongle” I bought is, when it permits a connection, slower than my first ever dial-up modem. Emails are just about tolerable (no large attachments please!), but web-browsing is less productive than watching glaciers melt.

Anyway, I have bravely ventured into the anarchic void that is Chatham, in order to hurriedly upload a couple of photos of the Apple House as we move in. Despite being surrounded by innumerable cardboard boxes, there is already a distinct vibe of enthusiasm and excitement swirling around what will be A Tiger In Africa’s main base. The space oozes calm and positive energy...

The Apple House - where Dennis will be brought to life in the coming weeks

Phriday Photo XXIII

2009-01-02T05:55:00.001Z

There's a good chance that you are thinking about starting a diet this month. Don't forget to exercise too. And if necessary, get some bigger clothes in the January sales in the meantime...

Mission Impossible

To view previous Phriday Photos, click here!

Happy New Year!

2009-01-01T05:55:00.000Z

The Somnambulists wish all visitors the very best in 2009, the year of The Dennis! :-)

Phriday Photo XXII

2008-12-26T05:53:00.000Z

The holidays are a great time for the family pets. The under-exercside hairy one loves having the mini-somnambulists and all the other humans around, as well as rooting around in the wrapping paper and getting his nose into all the interesting new smells.

When unwrapping presents, remember not to leave anything dangerous lying around

To view previous Phriday Photos, click here!

Miracle Or Magic?

2008-12-25T05:58:00.003Z

Today, in certain parts of the world, we are encouraged to marvel at the magic of Father Christmas and in the miracle of a virgin birth, although of course we are only supposed to really believe in one of them. I don't like this contradiction.

On the other hand, if you happen to have been born in certain other parts of the world, belief in either of these (admittedly far-fetched) beliefs apparently authorises believers of contradictory belief systems to usher you towards a brutal death. I care even less for such cowardly shirking of human responsibility. I digress...

Magic and miracles. I am enchanted by these concepts but struggle to believe in their truth without evidence (the real, tangible kind). What I do know, though, is that there are some very special people in the world, capable of some extraordinary things. One of those people, "T", is referred to by the mini-Somnambulists as "Magic T" - is this because of the things he can do or his personal charisma? You'd have to ask the mini-Somns, but below I present some evidence for the former. I've heard tell that he can also enchant you with music, and heal with the power of art alone... Seeing is believing.

I wish you all Merry Christmas today, whatever that may mean to you personally, and urge you to celebrate and treasure humanity whether you consider it miraculous, magical or just plain marvellous.

Believe it or not, this is real untampered footage of Magic T* actually walking on water...

*clue: No, it is NOT Tiger Woods. Or Trywalker.

Out Of Office Notice

2008-12-23T16:49:00.001Z

The Somnambulists are up an alp, with limited access to electricity. I am therefore out of the office and will return in January.

Oh, wait... No I won't.

The Black Maggot

2008-12-22T05:59:00.001Z

On our spot monkey night out last week we were honing fvj's spoof-playing skills (believe me, they need honing) and then introduced him to par-100, which he was actually quite good at.

These games of course need forfeits for the losers of each round, and as a particularly stiff deterrent for losing on purpose we often play for shots of the local stomach-cleanser, Killepitsch. Noticing that the generous shot glasses were a little under-filled, and since it's the last time I'll be playing such ridiculous drinking games for a very long time, I ordered something else from the top shelf to add a little twist to proceedings.

I feel fairly confident that the resulting "shocktail", being a shot of Killepitsch plus a dash of Creme de Menthe plus a splash of Strongbow cider, is unique. Or at the very least, not widely partaken of. Therefore, being Christmas and all, I have decided to christen this little beauty "The Black Maggot." This is a nod to the dark hue, the revulsion felt when considering putting one near one's mouth, and the unsettling, wriggly sensation that something is trying to crawl out of one's bowels for 24 hours after consumption. I would advise approaching with caution...

Advent Dennis

2008-12-21T05:52:00.000Z

Today's post is a brief update on Project Dennis for those who are interested. If reading about systems analysis wants to make you put pins in your eyes, I suggest you surf on to one of the very amusing blogs listed on the left...

At the beginning of this month we contracted Simplicity IT (read why, here) to build the Project Dennis public alpha site. What's a "public alpha site" you may ask (as I did)?

This will be a phase of the application that, while open to use by internet users at large, will not be marketed, will have restricted functionality and content, and will be branded differently from the beta/full site. It will contain, and allow us to test, the fundamental, innovative components that will drive the site. In particular we will be looking to refine the three areas where we feel that we are at the edge of, and perhaps pushing, the envelope: Social-networking, opinion collation & evaluation, and collaborative data structuring.

(note: no actual envelopes will be harmed during the making of this site).

During the recent workshops that we have undertaken with Simplicity we have sharpened up some of the less-well defined aspects of the project concept. These were areas that we had deliberately intended to work through with our selected developers, to draw on their expertise, and it has been exciting to bring these into focus.

We now have very exhaustive descriptions for system actors and use-cases, and Simplicity are working on the technical documentation for subsystems, entity-relationships and functional specifications. We are all looking forward to the next stage of rapid-prototyping in January, when we actually get to start mucking about with pages and buttons and stuff....

If you got through this post without dozing off, you might be interested to know that we will be looking for a number of volunteer testers in the new year to help us with user feedback during the alpha phase. If that sounds like something you would like to be involved with, drop us a line on the ATIA contacts page and we will keep you up to date with developments. The password is Ni!

The Great Escape

2008-12-20T05:58:00.000Z

Doo doo. Doo doooo d-doo doo...

Farewell sausage-gobblers

Phriday Photo XXI

2008-12-19T05:55:00.001Z

Last night was the Medium-Sized International Bank's colleagues holiday celebration drinks (in lieu of the politically incorrect Christmas party that was cancelled).

It was also my last chance for a farewell tipple with all my chums who I know wanted to let me know how much they have so enjoyed working with me over all these years......

If you don't get any response by midday, please send out a Somnambulistic search party

To view previous Phriday Photos, click here!

Passing The Baton

2008-12-18T05:58:00.001Z

After more than 17 years in the banking industry it's time to take a break.

As someone said to me last week, in this game we count them in dog years, which makes around 122, and means I have actually been doing this for nearly 1,500 (doggy) months. And boy does it feel like it.

As the last few hours drift by there's a pleasant end-of-term feeling while I tie up loose ends. My inbox has been literally inundated with an email from a well-wisher - someone who I actually got along with in the workplace. Like a satisfied Fawlty Towers customer, I'm thinking of having them stuffed. I assume the general joviality amongst everyone else is down to the approaching holidays and the tremendous year it's been in the world of finance, rather than anything to do with my departure.

It's a real privilege handing over the reins to the eminently capable UberDevisenHandler Boy. Good luck as Global Monkey-Herder, old chap. Try to ignore the babbling, bickering baboons and draw strength from the solid stalwarts.

I'll know when you've done your time when you start a personal weblog and alliterate to alleviate the alienation and afflictions.

Number Puzzle II

2008-12-17T05:55:00.008Z

I've had a couple of requests for another number puzzle, so here we go.

Answer to dan (at) atigerinafrica (dot) com, brainboxes will appear below in order of correct received responses...

What's the next number in the series?

13, 35, 57, 79, 911, ...

List of Brainboxes
-------------------
lazy - well done! (are you nocturnal?!)
70s - nice to see you on the leader board ;-)
UDH Boy - I suspect he got some help at kindergarten
trywalker - with the most complicated explanation to a simple puzzle I have ever seen... :-D
orangepeel & headteach - in a dead heat. Or so they say...
bambambam - the next one will be harder. I promise!
papersurfer - I knew what you meant... you must be distracted by something ;-)
Jay - better late than never :-))

To see previous number puzzles, click here!

Big Issues?

2008-12-16T05:56:00.001Z

The Somnambulists are homeless.

Before anyone calls the RSPCA that doesn't include the mini-somnambulists, who are oop Naarth, or the under-exercised hairy one, who is staying with his best mate...

All worldly possessions are on a brace of big lorries at their first stop-over in Naughty Oberhausen, preparing to break for the border under the cover of darkness, en route to Blighty. Sparkly Aph is already camouflaged underneath a snowdrift on neutral territory, while I am in hiding in the safest place this side of the Maginot Line: Trywalker's bedroom.

The plan is to split up, leaving multiple trails, and then rendezvous just South of Lac Leman on Friday, moving quickly to another secret hideaway in Chamonix. I'll be sending delirious messages to everyone I know, the moment I have crossed enemy lines. We'll lie low (or high) there for a couple of weeks, while the minis and various other 'nambulists come and go with supplies. We may try to throw any surveillance off the scent through an elaborate ploy of repeatedly jumping on random ski-lifts.

Once safely into 2009, we'll zig-zag our way back to the escape tunnel, pausing only to thank our friends in La Resistance by spending our remaining Euros on as much of their wine as we can stuff into the Somnambulist Mothership. Then, Dionysus-willing, we'll pop our heads up on the other side, not far from the farmhouse that is to be the new Somnambulist-residence-come-ATIA-HQ...

Big Issue? Pas de problem, mes amis!

Phriday Photo XX

2008-12-12T05:50:00.000Z

In any walk of life, boasting about your achievements before you have actually completed the task at hand is a recipe for disaster. When you are a high profile politician the risks are amplified many times over. George Bush declaring "Mission Accomplished" in Iraq a few years back springs to mind. I'm not sure his credibility, such as it was, really ever recovered from that moment on...

Mr Gordon Brown gave us all a laugh when he gaffed in the House of Commons this week by opening with "We have not only saved the world..." When he managed to get a word in between the delirious cackling, he explained that what he had meant to say was that "We have saved the banking world..."

Well, I am not sure whether or not the jury has returned on that one SuperG, but history will take a long, hard look at the obvious question: "At what cost?"

The smugger the pride, the harder the fall...

To view previous Phriday Photos, click here!

In And Out With The Boxes

2008-12-09T07:41:00.004Z

While I'm tempted to hang around and watch the inevitable boxing match that is brewing between UDH Boy and the chap who spends all day watching the box, the time has come to depart the land of the boxheads. The movers are coming in this week to pack everything into boxes while we make sure we've got all our boxes ticked.

I'm very much looking forward to returning to Blighty, spending some time with old friends (especially my good buddy from yesterday's post, who's nowhere near as scary as I made him out to be), and doing a little thinking outside the box.

Speaking of boxes, I wonder if anyone else knows quite how good THIS feels...

Somnambulist's Inbox

Spot Monkey Mentality

2008-12-08T05:52:00.002Z

A while back I spoke to a spot monkey at a large American. (I toyed with the idea of replacing the word "at" with a comma in the last sentence but decided against it). As we chatted about Yen and Yang I mentioned that I was working on a startup, and suggested that if he could take his eyes off Bloomberg for more than two seconds he could take a look at the ATIA website.

He muttered something dismissive like "yeah, maybe later. Gotta go seeya." but I know that he took a look because the next time I spoke to him he said,

"Hey, have you heard?"

"I don't know, heard what?" I replied, expecting to hear a sliver of important currency information, or some juicy market gossip...

"The internet. It's going to change our lives."

Dressed up as humour, this is typical spot monkey incisiveness, gunning for your core assumptions, probing for weakness. It's usually best completely ignored if you don't have an instant witty riposte prepared earlier. I ignored him.

A few days ago, I called again to invite my friend for a beer.

"So you're going ahead with this internet thing then?"

"Sure, I'm very excited. Hey, I may be looking for a few investors down the road. Any interest?"

"What? Are you kidding? Isn't that like 3 or 4 bubbles ago? Look, forget that, why don't you go back to painting instead. Do a picture of Greenspan, he's hot as hell at the moment. In fact, you could go for the 'bubble' theme and paint him with his pants down and a huuuuge zit on his butt that's ready to pop. Five years time you'll be at the top of the art game."

"Well, in five years I ..."

"Can't make the beer, sorry, gotta go, bye."

My American friend is a gifted spot monkey at the top of his game, and he epitomises the character and mentality of the breed. It's all about a furious obsession with the moment, coupled with an unshakeable conviction of opinion, wrapped up in the hide of a rhinocerous. The fact that said opinion can shift 180 degrees in a few minutes is absolutely irrelevant.

To most of us the Dollar, the Yen, the Pound, gold, oil, stocks, bonds and everything else are in a perpetual state of uncertain flux. They may go up or they may go down, or they may trade sideways, and we do our best to hedge our bets. To my friend, however, there is no uncertainty. The Dollar is either going up or down at any one time, and it's going to do so at an incredible rate of knots and not stop until it's worth infinity or zero, and any delay in decision-making will cost you millions at least and probably your job if you really are that useless that you cannot see the urgency of the situation, loser.

If I ever pause to wonder why I stopped being a spot monkey, I will return to this post and remind myself...

Pro Spot Monkey: Attitude included.

"Don't have an opinion? No problem, have one of mine..."

Gourd Blimey!

2008-12-07T09:16:00.003Z

It's quite extraordinary what some people will do to impress their friends at dinner parties. Last night our fine hosts opened some quite spectacular wines (and made us blind taste them to prove how useless we all are at identifying them) to go with our delicious Desperate Dan sized plates of rare beef. One in particular, a 1982 St. Julien, is probably too posh to even consider gracing the pages of my fledgling wine blog.

Headteach regaled us with hilarious accounts of terrorizing bizarrely named French school children.

Orangepeel had us entranced with his poet laureatian ability to rhyme the word Chianti.

One guest brought a gourd...

An enigmatic curiousity* picked up at Borough Market

*I am, of course, referring to the peculiarly shaped specimen of the Cucurbitaceae family. The enigmatic curiousity holiding it came from Yorkshire.

Phriday Photo XIX

2008-12-05T05:55:00.002Z

All is doom and gloom out there and there are a lot of people who have that sinking feeling at the moment. Remember, the old saying goes: "When the ship's going down, follow the rats."

When the rats are going down, follow the one carrying the surfboard.

To vew previous Phriday Photos, click here!

Dennissimo!

2008-12-04T05:37:00.004Z

After our first workshop on Monday I was asked a question: "Is it ready yet?"

Now to be fair, the person asking the question has very little idea about Dennis, or systems analysis, or web development. Or the Internet. Or, in fact, the 21st Century. But the interest was genuine and the sentiment wholly benign, so I tried to explain with an analogy:

It's a bit like writing a book, I said. For the last nine and a bit years we have had an idea for a book and have spent a lot of time thinking about it. In the last nine months we have spent a lot of time planning the book, and today we eventually started writing. It'll take a few months to finish it and get it published.

The analogy proved effective for the circumstances, but later I thought about it and while it might illustrate the process, it really doesn't encapsulate the moment. It's much more like having stood in the queue of the biggest ever rollercoaster for nine-odd years. On Monday, with some trepidation, nerves tingling, senses buzzing, we finally, at last, took our places in the front car, lowered the safety bar and edged forward onto the first ratchet of the long climb up the steep, opening gradient....

(updates may be a little sporadic in the next few weeks as I am goin for my record score on multiball)

Dennis In The Starting Blocks

2008-11-30T05:56:00.000Z

Tomorrow Dennis starts his journey in earnest with our first full development workshop with the tremendous chaps & chapesses from Simplicity IT. In four month's time we should have a public alpha site that everyone can test to destruction....

For the record and future reference I'd like to note the reasons why we selected Simplicity (apologies if this is a bit dry in comparison with my normal ramblings!)...

First impressions
Right off the bat the MD, John O'Dwyer's phone manner and dialogue was professional and articulate. Follow up emails were prompt and courteous. Questions were clearly expressed and pertinent. This was carried through into our on-site meeting at Simplicity's offices, which are in a quiet but convenient location in Highbury. The office vibe was relaxed but studious. We knew we could work with these people.

Grasp of concept
Either Project Dennis is rather complex or we are not very good at explaining it. In any event, not everyone "gets it" straight away. Some of the developers we spoke to were clearly just going through the motions. Not only did Simplicity take it all on board, their proposal contained descriptions of our objectives that were far better than our own, and there has been a demonstrable enthusiasm to be part of what they see innovative project. John has been the only person to admit to being able to point to the "light-bulb" moment during our discussions.

Reference work
Simplicity have done a bunch of cool websites (or webware apps as they call them), a number of which contain very relevant modules for our own project. This was not immediately obvious from the reference sites listed on their own site, but during demonstrations at their office we were very impressed at the scope and quality of their portfolio.

Overall professionalism
Touched on above already, but the quality of their proposal, which was put together in less than a week and delivered ahead of schedule was excellent. Clear, concise, with an obvious methodology. Following the proposal all questions have been answered by return on what has seemed like a 24-7 basis. Changes to specifications have been accomodated and plans adjusted quickly and without fuss. Simplicity were our clear favourites in advance of receiving the commercials. We feared that they would be easily the most expensive.

Project quote
We were pleasantly surprised to find that their quote for the first phase of the project was broadly in line with others. In fact there was little difference between theirs and the cheapest quote we received (and 1/6th of the most expensive!). A done deal...

On The Road

2008-11-29T05:36:00.003Z

We're on the road to....

Updates may be intermittent...

Stop Press: Mini-somnambulist I has broken his wrist playing football and has been instructed that he cannot go skiing. I have no idea what he is going to do with himself for two weeks in the French Alps over xmas and NY. Still, the under-exercised hairy one will probably be glad of the company while everyone else is falling down a hill.

A couple of week's ago we took the mini-somnambulists to see Motorhead. So by a tenuously circuitous route we end up at...

Pop Quiz: For which famous act was Lemmy, lead growler of Motorhead, a roadie before he went front stage?

Phriday Photo XVIII

2008-11-28T05:56:00.000Z

I live in the disappointed generation. When we were kids there was no doubt that by the close of the 20th Century robots would be in the home, we would whizz around in flying cars, and Space 1999 was at least equal parts documentary and science fiction. All we got was the Internet.

At least the chaps at Moller International are keeping the Thunderbirds dream alive...

To view previous Phriday Photos click here!

Down-Trend

2008-11-27T05:55:00.000Z

According to a recent survey (so reports the Telegraph), the 'mullet' is the worst craze of all time.

I'm just off to the barber's...

Many people are blaming the banks for the sub-prime crisis. There would be no crisis without sub-prime.

Another Day At A Medium-Sized International Bank V

2008-11-26T05:57:00.001Z

As the curtain on my banking career looms large I feel a certain drive to record some of the little details that make the financial industry unique. In an earlier post I mentioned that the daily spaghetti of crossed-wires communication had a lot to answer for. Here’s another little nugget….

Dear Mr Tchübacher,

I hope you may be able to assist. One of my team has asked for clarification on personal account trading rules in relation to certain products.

I have scanned the compliance manual and haven't come across any specific guidelines on this subject, so I would like to seek your clarification on what regulations or rules apply for a member of staff to use margin trading accounts?

Many thanks in advance,
UDH Boy

….Two days later…..

Hi Mr Tchübacher,

I have not had a reply to my previous mail. My team member is still asking me about the rules governing this kind of activity. Could you please pass on to whoever can answer so that I can inform my staff accordingly?

Many thanks,
UDH Boy

….One day later….

hey UDH Boy,
i give this to advisory to clear the new structure of our team. For the moment i think that our new structure with the same workaround still have the same rules as before. I escalate it today and hope that it will be clear in the near future. ;-)

Herr E. Tchübacher
Compliance Officer

Hello Herr Tchübacher,

I’m sorry, I didn’t quite follow your mail. Please can you clarify the rules on margin trading accounts or direct me to the appropriate person?

Thanks,
UDH Boy

…..One day later…..

Hey UDH Boy,
sorry for delay but we have still problems. It´s what i say yesterday, before it will be finaly clear the new structure with our Boss and Compliance, the best way is to leave it as before. The appointment will be in the near future (i hope next week). Offiziell rules are not exist of this point. But it´s in inoffiziell rule to say before we know the new rules we must leave the oldest rules. Better is better. I hope it help for the moment.

Herr E. Tchübacher
Compliance Officer

(This issue is unlikely to be resolved in 2008...)

Happy Birthday to Lisnambulist ;-) x

Collecting Lawyers

2008-11-25T07:15:00.003Z

You wait forever for a bus, and then two come along at the same time.

On Sunday I had no lawyers. This morning I have two: MCE Avocats who are going to help me deal with the Swiss architect-locusts (if you ever come into contact with these people, I suggest you run a mile. Their service is worse than their website); and Speechly Bircham who are reviewing our developer's contract for Project Dennis.

First impressions on both counts are very good - they seem polite and professional. However, they haven't asked for any money yet...

On the good side, oh-my-Darling has cut VAT by 2.5% from next week, reducing our beta-site development costs by enough to afford at least half an hour of lawyer-time.

New Weblogo

2008-11-23T06:57:00.004Z

One of the great things about this creative space we call t'Internet is all the new words that get made up to describe things that never existed before. I fancy myself as a bit of a neologician(TM) and so I am describing the new bit of artwork on the left <---- as my "weblogo"(TM).

The original design was as a possible idea for A Tiger In Africa(TM) identity but we decided it was a bit flat and old hat. However, I handed it over to that intergenuis(TM) Penfold at GTZero(TM), in the hope that he could make it more 3D-ey, button-y and badge-y, and by Jove, that's exactly what he has done. A+ old chap!

Weblogo(TM) by Penfold(TM)

Birthday Portrait

2008-11-22T05:55:00.000Z

Apparently it's customary for future monarchs to sit for a portrait on their 60th birthday. I can't deny that I was somewhat taken aback when I chanced across this photograph, and learnt that Daddy Papersurfer has a royal bloodline.

HRH Prince Surfeur de Papier (Snr)

Phriday Photo XVII

2008-11-21T05:50:00.001Z

The spot monkeys were discussing the other day how much EUR/USD a certain fund had bought in a certain space of time to move the market a certain amount, and the consensus of opinion was "truckloads." A wonderfully malleable term, I think.

When oil neared $150 earlier this year, the local car-pooling policy proved remarkably popular...

To view previous Phriday Photos click here!

Somnambulist Mothership For Sale

2008-11-20T05:56:00.003Z

We got the revised quote for the enhanced-specification Project Dennis beta-site yesterday. Thud. So...

An almost unique opportunity to own a mildly mini-somnambulist-tainted, environmentally unfriendly Autobahn-hogger. Dog hairs included. Many extras still work.

One careful (ahem) owner. Any reasonable offer considered. May accept safe passage across the nearest border as part exchange...

Birth Canal Conundrum

2008-11-19T05:52:00.002Z

There's a lot of debate on the internet, of varying degrees of quality, but very little gets as vociferous as the religion vs. science battle. I find it quite difficult to get involved with this because although I largely come from the scientific corner, I actually think that each field has precious little of value to say about the other. Most of the arguments that you read, most especially on the comments sections of any relevant articles in major publications, are just a series of conflicting straw men with no hope of ever agreeing on a frame of reference, let alone striking some sensible dialogue.

There is one thing I think most sane people can agree on, however. Each of us has a world view (for want of a better phrase), and our world contains evidence as to the true nature of things. When we encounter a conflict between our world view and evidence, then it stands to reason that one of the two must be wrong in some way.

This got me thinking, as I chanced upon an article detailing recent fossil evidence that suggests large birth canals in early hominids (allowing delivery of large-brained early hominid sprogs) evolved hundreds of thousands of years earlier than previously thought. I wondered to myself, and cannot stop wondering, what young-earth-creationists think when they encounter such evidence. Do they just ignore it? Do they assume it is patently wrong? Or some kind of scientific conspiracy to undermine their beliefs? Or do they simply not read such surreptitous publications (the BBC News website)? To someone who genuinely believes that the earth is only a few thousand years old, debating whether early humans appeared 200,000 or 2,000,000 years ago is utterly irrelevant and a total waste of time. But surely there must be some spark of interest, some nagging question as to why other people believe that fossilization of bones takes much longer than the supposed life-span of the earth. The cognitive dissonance must be excrutiating. Or perhaps not....

A diagram detailing the evolution of red underpants (3.2 million years ago to the present day)

Another Day At A Medium-Sized International Bank IV

2008-11-18T05:55:00.000Z

After more than six months of waiting we have a new organisational structure. We know this because a variety of support areas have started using different numbers and headings on their communications, and occasionally asking questions such as:

"Why are your products split into apparently counter-intuitive business areas in the new organisational structure?"

To use an analogy, it appears that on the funny farm, crop rotation strategy is now the remit of the head sheep-shearer, while planting and harvesting falls under the dairy shed.

Since nobody has bothered to inform the revenue-generating areas of the new reporting lines we can at least try and deflect such questions with a simple:

"What new organisational structure?"

although this does occasionally prompt an ensuing lecture as to the specific expertise requirements for arable and livestock farming and how stupid we are to mix such things up.

Another day of taking sh+t for a living...

Motorheadache

2008-11-15T05:59:00.000Z

SSHHHhhhhh...

We did something highly decadent yesterday and flew to Manchester for only one purpose: to take the mini-somnambulists to see Motorhead (and Saxon and Danko Jones). Fab, if a bit different from the old days.

The first time I saw Lemmy and co was 25-odd years ago - with the classic Fast Eddie and Philthy Phil line up (supported by Anvil, I think). I seem to remember begging for enough cash to buy a ticket and walking about 50 miles, with my friend Jim, to Hammersmith Odeon. We walked through Leicester Square where we met several shady characters, bought bootleg cassettes and refused various drugs. Well various packets of things purported to be drugs, anyway. Two days later, I sat my 'O' level English exam, and remember straining to look up at the gym clock because I had headbanger's neck....

Review and photo to follow... !

Phriday Photo XVI

2008-11-14T05:56:00.001Z

On page 19 of Birmingham International Airport's Report & Accounts (2007-2008) was a little surprise. To illustrate the in-depth security procedures was a collage, including a picture of an x-ray of a luggage item...

Let's hope that BIA insists on a greater attention to detail during their security checks than they do in their graphic design.

Click here to see previous Phriday Photos!

BamBam The Buddha Boy

2008-11-13T05:52:00.001Z

It's not surprising, with the virtually hysterical worldwide fervour released after last week's earth-shattering US election result, to see one or two other opportunists jump on the messianic bandwagon. Lo and behold Bambam the Buddha boy has popped up in Nepal again, artfully not denying claims that he is Siddhartha Gautama reincarnate. What is surprising, is that I was convinced that BamBam was trading Spot FX at a MSIB in Sydney - if he really can be in two places at once perhaps there is something to this after all...

A group of currency analysts hold a communal seance in order to divine where EUR/GBP will open this morning...

Alternative Career

2008-11-12T05:57:00.000Z

As one career is coming to its end, I started to think what other things I might do, in case the plans to become an internet magnate don't unfold as quickly as I expect. The advert below on exec-appointments.com caught my eye. I have no special forces experience but I can drive an Aston-Martin, and I quite like the idea of being a "Targeting Officer." In fact I can think of one or two potential targets already...

(It does say I should not discuss my application with anyone, so I'd appreciate it if you kept this all to yourself)

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